Fungal Outbreak
- Commish
- Sep 22
- 6 min read
Fantasy baseball isn’t for the faint of heart - or the short of attention span. It’s a 162-game gauntlet, it’s grueling, and by mid-June most of you are questioning why you even signed up. You drafted a hotshot rookie who looked like the second coming of Ken Griffey Jr., only to find out he was closer to the second coming of Jeff Mathis (minus the speed). Your “ace” pitcher blew out his elbow before Memorial Day. Half your lineup spent August on the IL, and the other half forgot how to hit.
Every week it’s the same misery: rainouts, random backup catchers going yard, middle relievers stealing saves, and your “can’t-miss” star going 0-for-19. Managing a team feels less like strategy and more like community service.
But for the few who slog through the chaos, dodge the injuries, and somehow make it to October - it’s agony rewarded. Or, if you’re most of this league, just more proof you should’ve stuck to fantasy football.
So what separates the winners from the rest of you sorry sacks? It isn’t luck - though a fluke Tuesday grand slam never hurts. No, it’s the managers who actually pay attention past April. Winners grind through the dog days, patch holes with waiver-wire duct tape, and know when to bench a slumping star instead of “hoping he breaks out.” Losers, on the other hand, are the ones still starting guys who’ve been on the IL since June and bragging about how they “almost” won if not for a rain delay in Kansas City.
The truth is simple: winners adapt, losers whine. And in a league like this - where every run, every at-bat, every bloop single matters - those tiny decisions pile up. By October, they’re the difference between playing for a championship or pretending the Consolation Bracket actually means something.
And if you’re looking for a poster child of those winner qualities, look no further than Dude It Was Ringworm. While half the league stumbled through the season like they were blindfolded in a batting cage, Ringworm kept grinding, adjusting, and flat-out overwhelming opponents. They didn’t just win games - they imposed their will, the kind of team that makes you wonder if they’re playing the same sport as the rest of us.
Dude It Was Ringworm didn’t just play fantasy baseball this year - they steamrolled through it like a hazmat team that forgot to wear gloves. Powered by a trio of bioweapons - Aaron Judge (46 HR, 105 RBI, 652 pts), Juan Soto (42 HR, 104 RBI, 640 pts) and Cal Raleigh (58 HR, 121 RBI, 596 pts) - this team had a lineup that made opponents want to log off by Thursday. Add in Manny Machado, Vinnie Pasquantino, and Jazz Chisholm Jr. doing their part, and you had an offense that could suffocate you with both raw power and timely production. Even injuries to Corey Seager and Jonathan India barely slowed them, because apparently Ringworm had Zach Neto and Jackson Merrill stashed away just to rub it in.
The pitching was no less brutal. Tarik Skubal was a flamethrower in human form, leading the league with 684 points and 233 strikeouts. With Jacob deGrom and Kevin Gausman backing him up, opponents never had a safe inning. Even the bullpen, led by Clay Holmes and Drew Rasmussen, turned late games into chores. That balance carried Ringworm to a league-best 29-13 record, with statement wins like their 336-277 beatdown of Raghorn in Week 4 and their 350–156 demolition of 55 Burgers in Week 14.
Sure, they stumbled here and there - getting whacked by Whitmer twice and dropping some close ones - but when it came time for the games that mattered, Ringworm flipped the switch.
Their playoff run started with a first round bye which lead to a 296–204 rout of Whitmer in the Cactus Division Championship, punching their ticket to a SCL World Series matchup against Poke Bananas with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
And so the grand finale arrived - and it turns out the SCL World Series wasn’t the tense, nail-biting showdown we all hoped for. It was a mugging in broad daylight. Dude It Was Ringworm didn’t just beat Poke Bananas; they shoved them into a locker, stole their lunch money, and wrote “property of Judge, Raleigh and Soto” on the side. The final score? 578–411. That’s not a baseball game - that’s a bad Yelp review waiting to happen.
Aaron Judge (71 pts), Cal Raleigh (62 pts) and Juan Soto (62 pts) were the ring leaders of this crime scene, combining for 15 homers, 27 RBIs, and enough extra-base hits to make Bananas pitchers start Googling “career alternatives.” Jackson Merrill (57 pts) and Vinnie Pasquantino (56 pts) even joined the party, which is the kind of insult-to-injury moment that makes opposing managers start browsing pottery classes instead.
Meanwhile, the pitching staff turned the screws. Kevin Gausman (61 pts) and Jacob deGrom (28 pts) casually diced through lineups, picking up the slack of a struggling Tarik Skubal (18 pts). Together, Ringworm’s arms stacked up 162 points - basically daring the Bananas to “try running against a buzzsaw.”
And Poke Bananas? Bless their hearts. Salvador Perez (50 pts), Andres Munoz (62 pts) and Max Fried (52 pts) did their best to keep the dream alive, but when Nick Kurtz chips in only 28 points and when Aaron Nola and Chris Sale cough up 10 points combined, you’re not competing - you’re chaperoning your own funeral. Their 411 points was respectable against most opponents, but against Ringworm’s atomic roster it looked more like background noise.
During the post-game presser and trophy presentation, Ringworm's manager had this to say when queried about their storybook season:
"I’d just quickly like to thank the commissioner for the hard work he puts into the league, my dad for instilling a love for baseball in me, and the Mermen for giving me Cal Raleigh and Tarik Skubal in what will go down as one of the most lopsided trades in fantasy sports history. I would at this time like to announce my retirement from the game, so I can spend more time with my family, thank you to the sport for all it’s given me."
Lou Gehrig couldn't have said it better. I especially liked the "thank the commissioner..." part. Time will tell if they sincerely intend to walk away from the game or not, but retiring on top sure beats being asked to leave because your bullpen ERA looks like a phone number.
Congratulations to Dude It Was Ringworm, who managed to turn a season of dominance into a championship that was anything but unforeseeable. They were the best team all year and finished the job by flattening Poke Bananas into a fruit smoothie. Credit where it’s due - they earned it. As for the rest of you, thanks for showing up and providing me with the usual mix of mismanagement, questionable decisions, and self-inflicted wounds that make this league such a spectacle. I’d say I’m grateful, but let’s be honest - without your constant blunders, this job would actually be difficult. Instead, it’s just entertaining. See you all next season, where half of you will somehow find a way to draft three kickers in a baseball league.
Best,
Commish
p.s. - I'm calculating the prizes and preparing the final invoices for the league fees. Once you receive it, please try to pay your invoice amount as soon as you can so I can get the winners paid out.
Prizes & Payouts
In addition to Ringworm winning the $400 grand prize, I should also congratulate the Poke Bananas on a successful season and a 2nd place finish. Though not a championship, they can wipe away their tears with the 250 bills they won. And they're joined in disappointment by Akes & Pain who took 3rd place and $150. The winner of the $75 Consolation Bracket prize was Los Perros Locos - but I'm betting we won't hear them brag about it.
All-Star Game
I don't know how they rose to the top in a field of 5, but Los Perros Locos managed to hold off the 4 other contestants and win the $75 prize. And fending off the rest of the horde to take home the $25 runner-up prize was Whitmer.
Batting Champion
Let's be honest, this should probably be called the Judge Ohtani Contest because it's really between those two every season - though Cal Raleigh made a good run at it. This year, Ringworm's Aaron Judge took the title and the $50 prize that comes with it.
Cy Young Award
There's no doubt Ringworm's Tarik Skubal has been outstanding this season. But, Garrett Crochet had the stats that earned him - and Whitmer - the $50 Cy Young Award prize.
Scoring Prizes
Highest Single-Game Score ($50): You're Killing Me Smalls (Wk 8, 467 pts)
Highest Single-Game Score in a Loss ($50): 55 Burgers (Wk 15, 316 pts)
Lowest Single-Game Score in a Win ($25): Tallahassee Tator Tots (Wk 18, 191 pts)
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