A Rhyme With Reason
- Commish
- Nov 4
- 4 min read
Nine weeks down, and winter’s near
The playoff picture's becoming clear.
But if you think the race is done
Remember: only one team’s having fun.
That team is Who Is You, with their head held high
Eight wins on the sheet and no alibi.
Uncle Bucky gave chase and nearly struck gold
But left the Hatchet House colder than cold.
Baby Got Dak, remember them?
They’ve stopped the bleeding and found a stem.
A blowout win with McCaffrey and Moore?
The Fat Cats coughed up hairballs galore.
Badazz Bri, say what you will
They’re still the weirdest team climbing the hill.
They score thirty or a hundred twenty-six
But this week they brought all their tricks.
Gotham Rogues got mugged by Tator Tots
Not even a safety net for those botched shots.
Their 69? More funny than fright
A joke of a score on a Blackout Game night.
Meanwhile, Cerebral Ballsy won with ease
They’re breaking brains with relative breeze.
Do Not Panic? They did just that
Ran straight into traffic and fell flat.
Golden Tate Warriors finally found breath
Though Blue Ribbon’s offense collapsed to death.
With just 83, the taste has gone stale
That’s what you get when your weapons all fail.
Consolation Kings were anything but sad.
They danced on the bones of the Perros, oh bad!
Three straight losses for the dogs once proud.
The playoff light dimming under that black cloud.
Pork Chop Express handled the Nuts with glee
No shocks, no upsets, no real mystery.
Nuts remains winless, helpless, and bare
Just a popcorn machine and nobody there.
So where do we stand? It’s playoff time soon
With bubble teams sweating under a fantasy moon.
Ballsy, Maxx, Ribbon, and Bucky — they’re circling tight,
All 5–4 and dreaming of postseason delight.
Perros, Warriors, Chops, and BGD?
They’re stuck in the middle, with no guarantee.
It’s mayhem below the calm top tier
And the trade deadline whispers: “Come close, my dear…”
Next week’s a war, and no one is safe.
Not even the Nut Hut with all its chafe.
So buckle those lineups and drop that dead weight
Because come Week 10, it might be too late.
Good luck!
Commish
Golden Ticket
Nine weeks down, and the Golden Ticket race has officially separated the haves from the have-nots — or more accurately, the haves from the "hope we don't finish last." Fat Cats are still licking their paws on top, leading the field with 1,436 points while Cerebral Ballsy and Who Is You play tug-of-war for second place like it’s recess.
Mid-table mayhem is the theme in the middle of the pack, where Consolation Kings, Do Not Panic, and Los Perros Locos are crammed so close together it’s like rush hour at the Almost Arena. Meanwhile, Baby Got Dak continues to set new benchmarks for how far behind one can fall while still technically being in the contest — now trailing Fat Cats by a whopping 540 points. At this point, even a golden parachute might not be enough.
Roster overlap remains a problem — when half the league has McCaffrey, it’s not about who you picked… it’s about who you dodged. With bye weeks thinning the herd and injuries looming, someone’s FLEX play could turn into a wreck real quick.
Pigskin Pick'Em
The Pick’Em pressure is building, and after Week 9, it’s Baby Got Dak who’s broken through the gridlock. With a 10-4 performance, Dak now leads the field at 92 wins, leaving a cluttered logjam of 89-win hopefuls (MaxxCasualties, Blue Ribbon, and Who Is You) trailing in their wake. Badazz Bri isn’t blinking either, staying within striking distance thanks to a 9-win week of their own.
Unfortunately for some, Week 9 was less Pigskin Pick’Em and more Pigpen Slip’Em. The Tator Tots and Fat Cats managed just six correct picks apiece, while Consolation Kings found a creative way to nosedive all the way to the cellar with a winless 0-14 record. At least they’re consistent — just not in the good way. As we approach the final stretch, every pick counts, and with only five wins separating 1st from 10th, this race is far from over.
Survivor Challenge
After nine grueling weeks of dodging landmines, the Gotham Rogues finally stepped on one, limping out of the Survivor Challenge with a humbling 69-point showing in Week 9. With their exit, only four teams remain standing: Fat Cats, Uncle Bucky, MaxxCasualties, and Who Is You. Each has flirted with disaster at least once this season, but they’ve managed to survive... barely. As we enter the back half of the season, it’s no longer just about surviving… it’s about proving you belong. One bad week, one dud performance, and you're out. The gauntlet tightens.
Power Rankings
The Week 9 Power Rankings confirm what many already suspected: the upper tier is starting to separate itself. Who Is You holds the top spot with the highest Power Score in the league (143.88) and a commanding 8–1 record. MaxxCasualties and Uncle Bucky trail just behind, both posting excellent averages while enduring Top 10 strength of schedules. Fat Cats and Gotham Rogues round out the top five, though Gotham's loss this week may start to sting a little more as their strength of schedule drops to second from last.
Further down the list, Cerebral Ballsy holds steady at #7, but their five-game win streak seems to be whispering “ascent.” Baby Got Dak cracks the Top 8 thanks to their third-highest score of the week, while Blue Ribbon’s slow offensive output is starting to catch up to them. Badazz Bri gets credit for winning — but little love from the formula gods, and Do Not Panic continues to plummet with the league’s second-worst record and a sub 86-point average. At the very bottom, Deez Nuts’ ranking is powered entirely by a series of moral victories... and nothing else.
What If
The updated What If matrix is here, and as always, it reveals just how cruel — and oddly poetic — this game can be. One team would be 7–2 if they just had Fat Cats' schedule, but sits at 4–5 in reality. Meanwhile, another squad has outscored over half the league most weeks... and still has a losing record to show for it. If you thought your team’s luck was bad, just wait... this matrix might prove it’s worse than you imagined. Or, if you're Cerebral Ballsy, it might just validate your five-week strut.
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