Broken Plays, Broken Dreams
- Commish
- Sep 30
- 5 min read
Four weeks in, and I’d say we’re starting to get a feel for who’s who in this league - though, let’s be honest, none of you know what you’re doing. Fantasy football is built on tiny sample sizes and even tinier egos. One week you’re a genius, the next week your star wideout’s knee explodes, and suddenly you’re crying about waiver priorities like that’s going to fix Malik Nabers’ ACL. Week 4 was no exception: it gave us a little clarity, a lot of nonsense, and just enough chaos to remind everyone that nothing is safe, not even your “can’t miss” first-rounder.
Let’s start with the headlines, because the football gods have a dark sense of humor. Malik Nabers - the young revelation who was supposed to be propping up half this league - went down, and with him went Baby Got Dak’s chances of relevance. ACL tear. Done. Out. Finished. If you squint hard enough, you could pretend their season isn’t circling the drain, but this is a fantasy league, not Make-A-Wish. Deez Nuts is in similar territory, though in their case it’s not bad luck - it’s just bad. David Njoku giving you a single, lonely point is a problem. Being 0-4 and averaging 80 points per week is a lifestyle choice.
At the other end, Gotham Rogues are starting to look like they’ve rigged the simulation. I don’t care what their record says - they’ve outscored everyone but Who Is You, they’re sitting on Justin Jefferson, Puka Nacua, and a bench deeper than your excuses, and if you don’t think they’re a legitimate title threat, then congratulations, you must be in denial and/or the Consolation Kings.
Speaking of denial, Cerebral Ballsy’s Week 4 collapse is one for the books. On Monday night, all they needed was Tee Higgins, Tyreek Hill, and J.K. Dobbins to cover a 25-point gap against Baby Got Dak. On paper, it looked like a lock. Instead, Higgins ghosted, Dobbins sputtered, and Hill’s body gave out like he was auditioning for a medical drama. From “we’ve got this” to “nobody look at the group chat” in the span of three hours.
And yet, if we’re handing out Week 4 applause, Who Is You deserves their flowers. Not because they beat Blue Ribbon by 43 points (that’s not impressive, that’s cardio), but because they continue to prove last year’s championship wasn’t a fluke. Emeka Egbuka dropped 22 points, the roster looked balanced, and they made winning look so effortless it bordered on smug. Just remember: it doesn’t always stay this easy. At some point, the toddler you’re schooling in basketball might figure out how to dunk on you.
Elsewhere, Badazz Bri has stumbled into relevance, which is the nicest way I can phrase “Ashton Jeanty saved your sorry roster.” Jeanty went nuclear for 38 points and carried Bri to a third straight win. Now, if Bri thinks this makes them a contender, that’s adorable. They’re basically the guy who wins $100 on a slot machine and tells everyone they “cracked Vegas.” Relax. You’re still Bri.
The Fat Cats, meanwhile, are doing that thing where they look good enough to get your hopes up, which means a late-season collapse is imminent. They’re 3-1, they’ve put up strong numbers, and they’re sitting on top of the Cactus West like they own the place. But let’s not forget: this is the same franchise that’s historically more scratch-and-sniff than top-shelf. Enjoy the view now, because history suggests it won’t last.
And then there’s the ongoing tragedy that is Deez Nuts. At some point, we’re going to have to hold an intervention. The roster is lifeless, the points are nonexistent, and every week feels like watching someone try to start a lawnmower with no gas in the tank. You’d think they’d be embarrassed, but given this is Deez Nuts, maybe the goal is to make the rest of you feel better about your own mediocrity. In which case: mission accomplished.
So where does that leave us after four weeks? The contenders are starting to separate, the pretenders are still pretending, and the middle class of this league is bloated with 2-2 teams who can’t decide if they’re going up or down. Gotham Rogues look like the team to fear, Who Is You is still holding court at the top, and the Fat Cats are strutting like they’ve already cashed their championship checks. Meanwhile, Cerebral Ballsy and Deez Nuts are auditioning for the role of “league punching bag,” and frankly, they’re both doing great.
But here’s where I do something uncharacteristic - I’ll close with a sliver of optimism. To the struggling teams: don’t pack it in yet. Fantasy football seasons don’t die in September; they limp along, stumble into lucky waiver pickups, and sometimes even claw their way into the playoffs. Keep grinding. Stranger things have happened than a bad team finding a hot streak. And to the teams riding high: don’t get too cozy. All it takes is one rolled ankle, one inexplicable dud, or one week where your opponent’s kicker puts up 27 points to remind you that nothing here is guaranteed. This league has a way of humbling everyone eventually.
So enjoy your wins, lick your wounds, and brace yourself - Week 5 is coming, and if you think you’ve got it figured out, you’re already wrong.
Good luck!
Commish
Golden Ticket
Well, well - if it isn’t a tie for first: Fat Cats and Los Perros Locos are locked at the top with 639 points. Who Is You trails by 13, still in striking distance if their lineup stops mailing weeks in. And near the bottom? Blue Ribbon has managed to combine inconsistency with sheer despair, and Badazz Bri's lineup is doing miracles if they manage to show up for next week.
Pigskin Pick'Em
Baby Got Dak is still sitting pretty in first, but Cerebral Ballsy isn’t far behind - just a pick shy. Do Not Panic and Uncle Bucky are tied for third, proving you don’t need to be good to do damage. Meanwhile, MaxxCasualties took a nosedive, dropping three spots, and the Golden Tate Warriors are bleeding picks fast.
Eliminator Challenge
Cerebral Ballsy somehow managed to out-Bri Badazz Bri, both crashing out of the Eliminator Challenge courtesy of the Chargers gifting a win to the lowly Giants. If you’re looking for the definition of “worst-week-ever,” it’s spelled B-A-L-L-S-Y.
Survivor Challenge
Cerebral Ballsy added “self-sabotage” to their playbook this week. Alredy with the toughest schedule in the league, they up a pathetic 66 points in Week 4 making the Survivor Challenge elimination committee’s job very easy. Meanwhile, the Fat Cats, in a rare display of competence, dropped 150 and earned themselves immunity for Week 5.
Power Rankings
Who Is You refuses to budge from the top spot, clinging to #1 like a cat on a screen door. Fat Cats made the biggest statement, vaulting four spots into #2, while Gotham Rogues sit smugly in third pretending they belong. On the flip side, Cerebral Ballsy fell off a cliff, dropping seven spots to #15, proving you can’t stay in the middle of the pack if you don’t actually score points. The week’s biggest riser was Badazz Bri, somehow stumbling up seven spots like a drunk finding the right apartment which means the league is officially broken.
What If
Consider this your chance to peek into alternate universes - the What If matrix shows what your record would look like with any other team’s schedule. Maybe you’re actually a juggernaut trapped in the wrong timeline…or maybe you’d still be 1-3 no matter what. Either way, it’s the perfect tool for separating “bad luck” from plain old “bad.”
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