Conference Championships Commish's Picks

There’s a certain cruelty baked into getting this far. Sixteen teams began the season convinced they were smarter than everyone else. Twelve of them are now watching from the outside, armed only with hindsight, excuses, and playbooks they swear would’ve mattered if one thing had broken differently. The four that remain have all earned their place the hard way—through injuries, questionable lineup decisions, wildly uneven schedules, and at least one moment where common sense was ignored entirely. One win stands between each of them and a seat in the Sagebrush Cactus League Championship Game. No mulligans left. No “but if.” Just survive and advance.

As if this round needed more noise, I once again opened the studio doors to the eight teams that didn’t make the playoffs. Consider it community service. With nothing better to do and no lineups left to sabotage, they were invited back to SCL Live: Before the Beatings to share opinions, predictions, and—most enthusiastically—judgment. Some brought analysis. Some brought grudges. A few brought chaos for chaos’ sake. As usual, I listened, nodded, discarded half of it immediately, and kept the parts that either made sense or amused me.

Playoff Pick'Em Results

WARRIORS: 1-4	RIBBON: 2-2
NUTS: 2-2	DAK: 3-1
PANIC: 2-2	CATS: 3-1
TOTS: 0-4	CHOPS: 0-4

Now we arrive at the games themselves. Two conference championships. Two very different paths. One matchup dripping with history and unfinished business, the other built almost entirely on disbelief and bad vibes. There will be stars, there will be duds, and there will be at least one player who hasn’t mattered all season suddenly deciding now is the time. That’s playoff football. The margin is thin, the pressure is heavy, and the excuses are officially expired.

So to the teams still standing: congratulations on making it this far. You’ve earned the right to be overanalyzed, second-guessed, and publicly doubted by people who are no longer allowed to influence the outcome. Enjoy it. For the rest of us, let’s get to the part where predictions are made, egos are bruised, and someone finds out—again—that the math doesn’t care what you meant to happen.

Best of luck!

Commish

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Gotham Rogues vs Badazz Bri

LINE: Badazz Bri -5

Here we are again at the Boone’s Farm Drunk Tank, where reason goes to die and improbable things keep happening to Badazz Bri. On paper, this matchup shouldn’t be close. Gotham Rogues outscored Bri in eight of fourteen regular-season weeks, faced a slightly tougher slate, and—historically—has never let this series get out of hand. And yet, here we are, because Bri has spent the entire season ignoring logic, probability, and most lineup projections, only to keep winning anyway. That alone makes this game annoying to predict.

The regular-season split tells the story. Gotham stole a 77–63 rock fight in Week 7, a game best remembered for Sam Darnold doing just enough to survive and nobody else doing much of anything. Bri returned the favor in Week 13 with a 92–75 win that felt less like dominance and more like inevitability. Neither team has cracked 100 points against the other more than once in four meetings, which means anyone expecting fireworks should probably temper expectations. This has “pillow fight with consequences” written all over it, a sentiment echoed by the Tots’ GM, who called it exactly that before reluctantly picking Bri because “that usually means he’ll lose.” History suggests that logic may be flawed.

"Badazz Bri is winning because he’s the Rodney Dangerfield of our league and gets no respect; so hes [sic] due" - Baby Got Dak

And yet, Bri keeps stacking outcomes. Eight straight wins. A 130-point explosion last week—their second-highest score of the season—after spending most of the year barely scraping past respectability. Josh Allen continues to be the structural beam holding this whole thing upright, and while last year’s Sagebrush title game saw Allen and Kyle Pitts combine for an embarrassing 13 points, Bri has somehow survived long enough to get another crack at this stage. The league is fully aware this shouldn’t work anymore, which is precisely why it might.

The Rogues' path to victory relies on threading a very narrow needle. Alvin Kamara appears unlikely to play, Darren Waller is limping into relevance, and Sam Darnold remains Sam Darnold—capable of competence, but never comfort. The Rogues need Puka Nacua to be nuclear, Justin Jefferson to remember who he is, and the Vikings D/ST to bail them out of at least one poor decision. That’s a lot to ask in a hostile environment where Bri somehow keeps rolling sixes. Even the Rogues’ own supporters sound unconvinced. Do Not Panic bluntly picked Gotham “because Pitts sucks,” which is less analysis and more cry for help.

"I’m not looking at the lineups because there is no metric for badassery. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Sagebrush Champion of 2026." - Fat Cats

The studio, predictably, leaned heavily toward Bri. The Warriors’ head coach admitted they were “officially on the BB Bandwagon,” rooting for chaos and hoping Monangai or Singletary “carry his lucky ass to the SCL Championship.” The Nuts’ representative was less charitable, chalking Bri’s run up to “sheer plain dumb luck 🍀,” while still picking him to advance. Even Blue Ribbon’s entry—“I have no words. I’m as confused as everyone else”—felt like an accidental endorsement.

Which brings us to the part I hate most: the conclusion. I’ve spent the entire season waiting for this run to collapse under its own absurdity, and it hasn’t happened yet. Gotham is capable, but volatile. Bri is flawed, but stubbornly alive. For once, I’m leaning into the chaos instead of fighting it. Both teams will finally crack triple digits, everyone will feel slightly worse afterward, and somehow Badazz Bri will stumble forward into the SCL Championship. At this point, doubting it feels less analytical and more irresponsible.

COMMISH'S PICK: Badazz Bri

WARRIORS: Badazz Bri	RIBBON: Badazz Bri
NUTS: Badazz Bri	DAK: Badazz Bri
PANIC: Gotham Rogues	CATS: Badazz Bri
TOTS: Badazz Bri	CHOPS: Badazz Bri

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Consolation Kings vs Who Is You

LINE: Consolation Kings -9

This matchup feels like a practical joke the fantasy gods keep re-using because it never stops being funny. Who Is You did everything a top seed is supposed to do—win twelve games, score early and often, and turn What Are I Field into a weekly problem for visitors. And yet, the last time Consolation Kings walked into this building, You posted their lowest score of the season while the Kings casually dropped 137 like it was a scrimmage. That game still matters, not because it guarantees a repeat, but because it proved this door doesn’t lock just because the sign says “defending champion.”

The Kings arrive playing with the confidence of a team that already survived its own extinction event. Seven straight wins, a 6–1 road record, and a scoring pace near 120 points per game since their Week 8 disaster suggest this version of the Consolation Kings is not interested in resumes or excuses. One exec from Deez Nuts put it plainly: “Unless Gibbs has a monster game, I see the Kings bouncing Who Is You in a close one… Kings by 10.” That’s not bravado—that’s a scouting report built on watching the Kings outlast everyone who tried to speed them up.

“Kings win. Feel like Saints D and Jason Myers will be the difference maker for him” - Tallahassee Tator Tots

And yes, the quarterback situation finally stabilized, which feels worth mentioning considering how many experiments preceded it. C.J. Stroud stepping in last week and hanging 31 points was equal parts solution and punchline, but results matter more than aesthetics in December. Pair him with Achane and Etienne—whom the Warriors flatly declared would “carry CK to an upset win and a ticket to the SCL Championship”—and suddenly the Kings don’t need miracles, just normal games from their stars. That’s a dangerous place for an opponent to live.

Who Is You, of course, isn’t short on counters. They’ve crossed 100 points twelve times, they’ve lived in this round before, and they know exactly what championship pressure feels like. But the Bears D/ST miracle from last week is gone, and even their supporters in Youville seem to acknowledge the margin has tightened. The Golden Tate Warriors' head coach leaned into realism: “WIY isn’t getting 61 points from the Bears D and Trey McBride this week… will it be enough? No.” Others still believe the crown holds, with Blue Ribbon's GM simply saying, “Who Is You, clearly he’s got the stuff.” Both statements can be true—and that’s the problem.

"Who is him" - Pork Chop Express

What tips this for me is less about ceilings and more about trajectory. The Kings have won seven straight and haven’t been rattled by venue, seed, or expectations, while Who Is You is being asked to be perfect against a team that thrives on making games uncomfortable. Do Not Panic's coach joked, “Kings because who is you has too many jets and browns on the roster,” which sounds ridiculous until you remember how often weird roster math decides playoff games.

"As much as my loyalty to the King of Cactus West yearns for his conquest, the bad guys will prevail. May the lord have mercy, Who in a blowout.” - Fat Cats

Who Is You will keep this close because that’s what elite teams do when they feel the heat. But the Kings have already shown they can win here, win ugly, and win late. They don’t need domination—they just need opportunity, and they’ve been manufacturing that weekly. I expect tension, swings, and a fourth quarter where experience collides with momentum. When it’s done, I see the Consolation Kings finding one more answer and walking off with a win that sends them somewhere they were never supposed to go.

COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings

WARRIORS: Consolation Kings	RIBBON: Who Is You
NUTS: Consolation Kings	DAK: Who Is You
PANIC: Consolation Kings	CATS: Who Is You
TOTS: Consolation Kings	CHOPS: Who Is You