Week 14 Commish's Picks
- Commish
- Dec 5
- 10 min read
With the regular season finale upon us, I found myself buried under a mountain of admin work: playoff formatting, contest audits, injury clarifications, explaining to Pork Chop Express for the 47th time how standings tie-breaker works, and of course the annual tradition of telling Tallahassee Tator Tots, “No, the league is not shutting down after this week.” So this week, rather than rush out a half-baked set of Commish's Picks, I made the bold—some would say reckless—decision to call in “help.” And by help, I mean Badazz Bri, a man whose writing style can best be described as "a keyboard falling down a flight of stairs."
In the spirit of artistic integrity, I present Bri’s work completely unedited. No touch-ups, no spellcheck, no content moderation... just the pure, unfiltered poetic stylings of a man who apparently wrote his portion from the bottom of the Boone’s Farm Drunk Tank. Consider this your warning… and your entertainment. May the football gods have mercy on us.
BADAZZ BRI'S INTRODUCTION:
"well lady and gents its one week before playoffs and some you sad sack f**kers have no chance at the playoffs or even a decent season. oh buy the way this is this week's commish picks and this is as cardenas is familiar this is drunk Brian Jardine doing the picks. so in that special occasion i thought it best to do this drunk. so all you sad sack losers i just know i have been you more years in this league then you new comers know. and to you i say hashahahahahahahaha. I'm also SO HAPPY to see blue ribbon talk zero s**t because he’s such garbage and tanking regularly it's awesome and dont get me start on golden state rejects what a hopeless train wreck that is. Who are you WOW phenomenal season . cant wait to watch you crash in the playoffs. cant stay lucky that long hshsh. Speaking of lucky Badazz Bri will lose the first round of the playoffs which will crush him but at least he knows it. to Deez Nuts you suck so bad you might want to go practice in some free league dips**t."
I have a feeeling this post alone will be worth the full price of admission to the league.
Best of luck this week!
Commish
Uncle Bucky vs Los Perros Locos
LINE: Uncle Bucky -5
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"Uncle Bucky versus los Perros Locos
With both teams coming into this game with the same record at seven and this tends to look like it might be a good matchup But it is not uncle Bucky clearly has a better roster and a better team, even though Lost in Nachos has had a three game winning streak that will end this weekend.
Spread -33 uncle Bucky
My pick Is uncle Bucky"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
Bri’s analysis may read like it was scribbled on a napkin during halftime of a toddler’s flag-football game, but the core idea is—somehow—correct: Uncle Bucky walks into The Puppy Mill with the better résumé and the sturdier roster. Yes, the dogs have been on a three-game heater and hasn’t dipped below 123 points in three weeks, but momentum tends to evaporate quickly when you run into a team that has outscored you in nine of thirteen times this season. Bucky’s firepower, even with Diggs on bye and a questionable backfield duo, still projects better at the premium positions, and Daniel Jones suddenly pretending to be a functioning quarterback doesn’t hurt. The Perros will punch back—they always do—but Bucky’s #2 Power Ranking and track record in this series suggest they’ll be the ones wagging their tail at the end. So yes, the “Locos” may have the bark right now, but the Bucky boys look ready to handle the bite. I’ll side with Bri here—Uncle Bucky keeps the streak alive and the Perros’ bowl stays empty.
Blue Ribbon vs Gotham Rogues
LINE: Bue Ribbon -3
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"blue ribbon versus gotham rogues
well gotham has been once a Stallworth this year but is now sliding down so fast its like santa in a chimney this Christmas. On the other hand I think blue ribbons team like vacay's during the season with some good wins and bad losses which i am ok with hahaha. blue ribbon hahahahah suck a bag of d**ks hahaha. oooops sorry everyone else momentary loss of happiness on my part for all preseason s**t talk.
the spread is -11.5 gotham. which i think he will destroy f** oh i mean blue balls ribbon.
my pick gotham rogues"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
Bri’s may have wandered into some kind of holiday-themed emotional spiral, but his conclusion—that Gotham Rogues handle their business—isn’t nearly as unhinged. The Rogues may be sliding faster than a department-store Santa on a freshly waxed mall floor, but Ribbon hasn’t exactly been a model of consistency either, alternating between looking competitive and looking like they’re running a bye-week simulator. The Rogues have actually outscored Ribbon in seven of thirteen weeks, and they’ve shown an uncanny ability to win games even when failing to clear the league median—three times, in fact, which is equal parts impressive and deeply annoying. Ribbon comes in missing two wideouts, and while the Rogues aren't flawless, they draw a matchup where their patchwork roster still stacks up more cleanly across the board. Bri may have taken the long, profanity-laced route to get there, but he landed on the right side—this feels like another week where Gotham Rogues do just enough to keep Ribbon tied in knots.
Deez Nuts vs Baby Got Dak
LINE: Deez Nuts -15
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"Deez nuts Versus baby got Dak
Deez Nuts Has a two and 11 record coming to this game but have a one game-winning streak so there was a one little shot of glimmer at the end of the season and they might win their last game baby got dak Is on a two game losing streak and that does not seem to end this week
Spread -13.6 Deez nuts
My pick is Deez Nuts"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
It’s almost poetic—almost—that the final week of the regular season forces me to acknowledge this matchup, a game so void of stakes that even the tumbleweeds declined to roll through Faux Dak Field. Deez Nuts, somehow riding a one-game “streak,” stumble in at 2–11 with all the swagger of a team that just discovered the forward pass, while Baby Got Dak counters with a two-game skid and the body language of a squad already mentally in Cabo. The projections say the Nuts have the edge, and honestly, Dak’s lineup looks like it’s already halfway into storage for the offseason. If the Nuts score more than 80, it’ll qualify as performance art. But in a battle this uninspiring, I’ll side with Badazz Bri's assessment and run with the only squad showing even a flicker of late-season pulse: Deez Nuts, by default, not design.
Consolation Kings vs Pork Chop Express
LINE: Consolation Kings -13
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
" Consolation, kings versus pork chop express
At nine and four, the constellation Kings are looking good while pork chop express at 7-6 It hasn't been all that bad. This game seems to be the closest of the week with barely an 13 point spread. This game should be interesting. I'm hoping for a pork chop express upset.
Spread -13 Consolation Kings
My pick is pork chop express"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
Bri’s prediction of a Pork Chop Express upset is adorable in the same way a toddler announcing they’ll be driving the family car is adorable... deeply misguided, yet charmingly confident. Consolation Kings stroll into Little China already locked into the No. 2 seed, averaging a full ten points more per game than the Chops and sporting an offense that hasn’t looked truly bad since that infamous 36-point meltdown in Week 8. Meanwhile, Pork Chop Express arrives with half their roster tagged as questionable and the other half tagged as “please don’t let this decide our playoff fate.” Sure, they need this win (and need Who Is You to beat Fat Cats), but needing and getting are distant cousins in this league. Still, in the spirit of supporting Bri’s enthusiasm for chaos, I’ll play along: if an upset is going to happen this week, this is at least a matchup where the underdog has opposable thumbs. So yes, begrudgingly, I’ll agree with Bri and say the Chops might just squeal their way into a victory.
Cerebral Ballsy vs Golden Tate Warriors
LINE: Cerebral Ballsy -19
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"arriors has had a solid four game losing streak. So this seems like a pretty easy matc
Cerebral Ballsy vs Golden Tate Warriors
This is a matchup of two teams going to opposite directions. Cerebral Ballsy Is on a winning streak while Golden State Whup. It does not hurt my heart to see golden Tate tater tots on a losing streak and falling so sadly short of any playoffs and I have a feeling things aren't going to change.
Cerebral Ballsy Is looking like they will be a strong contender in the playoffs.
The spread is -22.5 Cerebral Ballsy
My pick Cerebral ballsy"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
This matchup feels less like a teacher–student reunion and more like a retirement-home visitation, with Cerebral Ballsy showing up to check on Golden Tate Warriors, nod politely, and then quietly rearrange the furniture on their way out. The Warriors enter on a four-game losing streak and haven’t cracked 60 points in two of their last three outings... hardly the résumé of a late-season spoiler. Meanwhile, Ballsy has been steadily tightening the screws, outscoring the Warriors in 10 of 13 weeks and needing only to avoid another catastrophic 60-something performance to keep things comfortably in hand. Bri’s pick of Cerebral Ballsy is one of his more lucid moments this week, and I can’t argue the logic: one team is prepping for the postseason, the other is prepping for the offseason. Unless nostalgia for last year’s 160-66 beatdown somehow powers the Warriors back to life, this one looks destined to follow the same trajectory: the student has already become the master.
Fat Cats vs Who Is You
LINE: Who Is You -25
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"Fat cats versus who is you?
This spread may say the whole thing it is more than a 30 point spread in favor of who is you. Who is you has had an exceptional season And I don't think that they're gonna end this this regular season with a loss fat cats has had some horrible losses and some horrible and Some great wins, but this is not me go in their favor. Good luck in the playoffs in the Consolation bracket.
My pick Is who is you in a landslide"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
For a game featuring two teams that haven’t dipped below 100 points in over a month, this one somehow still feels like the Fat Cats are showing up to a heavyweight bout wearing oven mitts. Yes, the Cats have outscored Who Is You in 8 of 13 weeks... a cute stat that looks great on a refrigerator magnet. But You has spent the entire season turning inconvenient matchups into polite reminders of why they’re the No. 1 seed. The home-field comfort at What Are I Field (a tidy 5–1 record) doesn’t hurt either, and Bri’s confidence in a Who Is You landslide is, regrettably, on brand this week. The Cats need this win to clinch a playoff berth, but You doesn’t seem interested in providing charitable outcomes—not after ending the Fat Cats' season in the conference title game last year. Unless the Cats conjure a seventh straight 100+ performance with bonus fireworks, this looks like another chapter where Who Is You sends them home wondering why the yarn keeps unraveling.
MaxxCasualties vs Do Not Panic
LINE: MaxxCasualties -19
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"Maxx Casualties versus do not panic
Do not panic. You should need to panic with no shot at the playoffs and essentially no shot in the consolation bracket to me. This seems like an easy win for the casualties both squads I'm just happy to finish this season. Better luck next year.
Spread -26.5 maxx casualties
My pick The casualty squad"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
MaxxCasualties walks into Composure Coliseum needing a win to stay alive, and fortunately for them, Do Not Panic is exactly the kind of opponent you want to see when your season is dangling from a frayed extension cord. Yes, Panic erupted for 138 points last week, an outlier so violent it should be studied by meteorologists. But outside of that momentary lightning strike, they’ve barely sniffed the Casualties' season-long average of 107. The Casualties have outscored them in 10 of 13 weeks, sit third in the Power Rankings, and even Bri correctly points out this should be a cakewalk. Do Not Panic is without Brian Robinson Jr and the 49ers defense, which is like showing up to a duel missing both your pistols and the holster. The Casualties may be banged up, but they don’t need to be perfect... they just need to be conscious. This one looks exactly like Bri predicted: the Casualties deliver the final chalk outline of Panic’s season.
Tallahassee Tator Tots vs Badazz Bri
LINE: Badazz Bri -4
BADAZZ BRI'S ANALYSIS:
"Tallahassee tator tots Versus badazz Bri
This one is hard for me because I have had the best season I've had in this league ever with 10 wins. I know that I have been extremely lucky this season by catching almost every team on the worst possible game they could play saying that the tots coming in at four and nine look too easily upset, badazz’s Cinderella story at midnight. I would not mind the loss this last week of the season so I don't lose in the playoffs. With the closest spread of anyone at a mere 6 Point somehow badazz might squeak it out.
Spread -6 Badazz bri
My pick is the baddest team in the land Bri"
COMMISH'S ANALYSIS:
Badazz Bri is having the kind of season that makes historians suspicious and mathematicians sweat: 10 wins despite averaging 88.6 points and surviving on the softest schedule the SCL has offered since we let the Golden Tate Warriors run an offense built entirely on vibes. Meanwhile, the 4-win Tallahassee Tator Tots show up at the Drunk Tank having outscored Bri in 7 of 13 weeks, which tells you everything you need to know about how improbable Bri’s record really is. But even Bri acknowledges the fairy-godmother glow around this run, and with the Tots stumbling in with 9 losses and fielding a roster that looks like it’s already browsing vacation packages, it’s no shock that Bri likes Bri here. The spread is somehow only four, which feels less like odds and more like the universe being polite. As much as the Tots would love to spoil Bri’s “I swear this isn’t luck” narrative, Bri and Bri alone is the pick... and I’ll back that magic pumpkin one more time.
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