Wild Card Round Commish's Picks

Another regular season has come and gone, and once again the Sagebrush Cactus League has proven that survival isn’t for the faint of heart. Teams have battled brutal schedules, bye-week landmines, questionable coaching decisions, catastrophic injuries, improbable breakout stars, and the ever-present threat of the league chat destroying their will to live. Some franchises limped across the finish line, others sprinted, and a few tripped over their own shoelaces and fell face-first into Week 14. But regardless of the path, eight teams now stand on the playoff doorstep, battered, lucky, stubborn, and ready for the real season to begin.

This year’s first round offers no shortage of storylines. Old rivalries get rekindled, previous beatdowns hang in the air like smoke, and every matchup has just enough chaos baked into it to remind us why this league has a dedicated subsection in the DSM-5. We’ve got revenge games, “prove it” games, “please don’t let me embarrass myself again” games, and even a matchup where no one can predict whether the contest will be decided by talent, luck, or who has the fewest players in concussion protocol. It’s playoff football the SCL way: loud, messy, and guaranteed to leave at least one franchise wondering how the fantasy gods could hate them this much.

Of course, with all that unpredictability comes the particular agony of trying to evaluate these teams with any degree of confidence. Every matchup requires sifting through a season’s worth of scoring trends, injuries, head-to-head history, home-field quirks, and whatever psychic damage the roster endured during the regular season. The gap between a sure thing and a disaster is razor thin, and attempting to predict which version of each team will show up is enough to make even the Commish question his life choices.

So, in the spirit of embracing the madness, I opened the doors to all the coaches and executives whose seasons are already over and invited them into the studio for the league’s weekly pre-game show, SCL Live: Before the Beatings, to give their own takes on the playoff matchups. After all, what else are they going to do? They certainly aren’t preparing game plans. Some brought analysis, some brought chaos, and a few brought whatever fumes remained in their dignity tank. Their picks and commentary — unedited, unfiltered, and occasionally unhinged — will be sprinkled throughout this week’s previews as I weigh their insights against cold, hard facts and ironclad instincts.

Good luck in the first round!

Commish

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MaxxCasualties vs Badazz Bri

LINE: MaxxCasualties -8

If there were ever a matchup that perfectly captured the spirit of SCL playoff football — chaos, delusion, misplaced confidence, and deeply unfortunate roster decisions — this is it. Badazz Bri strolls into the postseason as the Sagebrush East champ, riding a seven-game winning streak and averaging an "impressive" 88.3 points per game. (Yes, you read that correctly. Somehow a team averaging 88 points managed to go 11-3. I don’t make the rules; I just shake my head at them.) Meanwhile, MaxxCasualties had the exact opposite experience: the league’s toughest schedule, routinely forced to score 105 just to stay alive, and still clawed their way into the postseason with eight 100+ point outings. If this matchup were a movie, Bri would be the plucky protagonist… except the audience would realize halfway through that the protagonist is delusional and the villain (MaxxCasualties) is actually justified.

"...the most ugly game of the week I'm pretty sure both teams will lose and not advance." - Blue Ribbon

Their Week 9 meeting was the one time Bri managed to play above the “I found this roster behind a Circle K” level, exploding for 126 thanks to the Josh Allen + Kyle Monangai + Ashton Jeanty trifecta. And credit where it’s due... Bri’s roster did play that game. I checked. But on the other sideline, MaxxCasualties' squad spent the afternoon reinstalling their offense after Patrick Mahomes threw the ball directly into the sun and the Bears D/ST took the week off in protest of something, who knows what anymore. Even then, the Casualties' still finished with 92 points, and that was with several starters actively sabotaging the game plan. The fact that MaxxCasualties' absolute losing effort still outscored Bri’s season average by four points should terrify the entire Drunk Tank fanbase.

Now here we are in the first-round of the playoffs, and the context has completely flipped. MaxxCasualties just posted 65, then followed it with 145, meaning we have absolutely no idea which version will show up. It’s like ordering from a restaurant where you’ve had both the best meal of your life and food poisoning. Meanwhile Bri hasn’t cracked 100 since Week 10, and that was only their third such game of the year. As the Fat Cats’ coach pointed out, “Maxx actually somewhat resembles a playoff-worthy roster,” and while that statement is both accurate and a scathing indictment of Bri’s résumé, it does underscore the obvious: power wins in the playoffs, not vibes.

"Bri finally faces real competition... gets smoked by at least 20 points." - Tallahassee Tator Tots

The guest panel over on SCL Live: Before the Beatings made the job even easier for me. the Tot’s GM said Bri “finally faces real competition this season, gets smoked by at least 20.” The Golden Tate Warriors' head coach predicted Allen carries the team while “the rest of the roster combines for only 40 points.” Even the Chops — never one for subtlety — summed things up with: “Badazz Bri will be the next Casualty.” Occasionally the peanut gallery gets it right, and this is one of those beautiful, rare moments where the league unites in agreement that someone’s playoff hopes are about to be forcibly repossessed.

Look, Bri has been the underdog all year and somehow slipped into the 1-seed like a raccoon who learned to open a trash can lid. But in the playoffs, raccoons get hit by cars. MaxxCasualties simply has too many paths to triple digits, too many weapons that can blow this game open, and too much real scoring power to be undone by Bri’s schedule-inflated record.

COMMISH'S PICK: MaxxCasualties

WARRIORS: MaxxCasualties	RIBBON: MaxxCasualties
NUTS: Badazz Bri	DAK: Badazz Bri
PANIC: MaxxCasualties	CATS: Badazz Bri
TOTS: MaxxCasualties	CHOPS: MaxxCasualties

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Gotham Rogues vs Cerebral Ballsy

LINE: Gotham Rogues -9

I’ve watched enough SCL football to know when a matchup is more about the vibes than the projections, and this one screams “toxic group chat energy.” The Rogues and Ballsy have spent the season turning the GroupMe chat into their own private AOL Instant Messenger session from 2003: long exchanges, questionable jokes, and everyone else quietly minimizing the window. It’s fitting they now meet in the playoffs, where one of them finally has to shut up for a week.

"Jefferson? More like Jeffer-better-have-a-20-yard-catch-radius. Best nickname ever?" - Fat Cats

Their Week 2 clash was a surprisingly competent affair: the Rogues escaped Congenital Coliseum with a 125–117 victory thanks to Jordan Love’s efficiency and Puka Nacua’s 22-point detonation. Meanwhile, Cerebral Ballsy wasted one of Jonathan Taylor’s best games of the season, something that would become a recurring theme. But let’s not gloss over the fact that Ballsy still outscored the Rogues 9 of 14 weeks this year. On consistency alone, CB feels like the adult in this toddler playpen.

What makes this matchup especially chaotic is the injury roulette. Both squads are flirting with questionable tags like a middle-aged divorcé at a casino. The Gotham Rogues are holding out hope for either Devin Neal or Alvin Kamara... two players listed as “Q” in a way that feels less medical and more existential. On the other side, Ballsy’s Tee Higgins is also questionable while stuck in concussion protocol. Luckily for Ballsy, Jonathan Taylor and Jaylen Warren are healthy, upright, and fully capable of dragging this roster to respectability even if Higgins is stuck watching from the blue tent.

"Rogues will lose because they are benching Shedeur." - Do Not Panic

The projections somehow favor the Rogues, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. The Gotham Rogues' SoS is 15th... translation: they’ve been dining on pudding all season. Their scoring résumé includes a 59-point pratfall in Week 11 and more mid-tier outputs than a 2007 Dell laptop. Ballsy, by contrast, has been hovering around 107 points per game despite playing a tougher schedule, and they haven’t dipped into true embarrassment territory since Weeks 11 and 12. As Deez Nuts put it, “Jonathan Taylor has a day supporting grandpa Phillip this weekend,” and honestly, I’m not ruling out another 25+ outing if the Colts lean run-heavy.

Even the guest analysts couldn’t agree, some calling it the worst playoff matchup of all time, others swearing Puka Nacua alone will drag the Rogues into the next round. But the Chops said it best: “Ballsy in the upset.” And for once, I find myself aligned with the same franchise that once started a tight end with negative points.

Cerebral Ballsy may be listed as the underdog, but they won’t be acting like one. Give me Ballsy to out-think, outscore, and out-chat the Rogues in a playoff game that finally forces one of these two to log off.

COMMISH'S PICK: Cerebral Ballsy

WARRIORS: Cerebral Ballsy	RIBBON: Gotham Rogues
NUTS: Cerebral Ballsy	DAK: Gotham Rogues
PANIC: Cerebral Ballsy	CATS: Gotham Rogues
TOTS: Cerebral Ballsy	CHOPS: Cerebral Ballsy

Los Perros Locos vs Who Is You

LINE: Los Perros Locos -23

Playoff football at What Are I Field always feels like stepping onto the front porch of the defending champion’s haunted mansion. The walls whisper last year’s triumphs, and the floorboards groan under the weight of teams that showed up thinking they had a chance. This year’s No. 1 seed, Who Is You, may have the friendliest mascot in the league, but don’t let the cartoon logo fool you... You spent the season treating opponents like prey, finishing 12–2 with the league’s highest scoring offense. Yet somehow, they drew the one wild mutt in the yard that actually knows where the bodies are buried: Los Perros Locos. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that the Perros don’t show up to Who Is You games to roll over... they show up to bite.

"Really close game, honestly a toss up" - Tallahassee Tator Tots

The season series sits at 1–1, and both matchups were games neither coaching staff will forget. In Week 7, You exploded for 148 points, their second-best outing of the season, powered by Jahmyr Gibbs’ 40-point detonation and Trey McBride’s lunchtime buffet against Washington. But the dogs did something in Week 13 that very few teams in league history have done: beat Who Is You with You scoring over 100 points. Dak Prescott dropped 25, Javonte Williams added 14, and A.J. Brown gave You’s secondary PTSD. If a team can beat the 12-2 juggernaut while they're actually playing well, that’s not a fluke. That’s a blueprint. And now the dogs return with fully stocked kennels — no injuries, no rotation questions, no excuses.

Meanwhile, You’s glossy résumé hides one mildly inconvenient truth: they’ve faced the 12th-easiest schedule in the league, while the Perros endured the 6th-toughest slate and still clawed their way into the postseason. The eye test agrees, Los Perros Locos’ wins tend to be violent and loud; Who Is You’s losses tend to be quiet and unsettling. This week You brings some baggage into the matchup: Breece Hall is questionable, and Caleb Williams has been trending more “rookie realness” than “generational promise”lately. As the Warriors’ head coach so eloquently submitted in his breakdown, “LPL snuck in by the skin of their teeth and is not a team that you want to mess with.” Hard to argue with that when the dog's projected advantage sits at nearly every skill position.

The Dogs also have momentum on their side. Dak has a plum matchup, A.J. Brown has returned to form, and George Kittle — quiet both times these teams played — is statistically overdue for one of his legally required playoff eruptions. And while You relies on Gibbs, Judkins, and McBride to form a three-headed fantasy Cerberus, the Perros counter with a hydra of their own. As Fat Cats' GM dramatically proclaimed during the pregame roundtable, “This comes down to the dog’s D vs. Who’s McBride… Dogs win on a Boswell walk-off 54-yard FG.” I don’t often agree with a man who picks games by asking his teenage daughter, but this time he’s onto something.

"Who is you's reign is gonna crumble." - Blue Ribbon

Make no mistake, the champ won’t go quietly. Who Is You has outscored Los Perros Locos in eight weeks this season and has already beaten them once at home. But this matchup has a familiar scent to it: the kind of underdog story that makes the top seed sweat through their warm-ups and rethink their life choices. The dogs don't mind being underestimated. They prefer it. And after getting bounced by Who Is You in last year’s first round, they’ve spent twelve months licking that wound and waiting for their chance to return the favor.

The Dogs are barking. The champ looks uneasy. And the Commish can smell an upset from here. Let’s just say Who Is You may need to ask themselves a tough question Sunday afternoon: Who Is You… and what did you do with your season?

COMMISH'S PICK: Los Perros Locos

WARRIORS: Los Perros Locos	RIBBON: Los Perros Locos
NUTS: Who Is You	DAK: Los Perros Locos
PANIC: Who Is You	CATS: Los Perros Locos
TOTS: Los Perros Locos	CHOPS: Los Perros Locos

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Uncle Bucky vs Consolation Kings

LINE: Uncle Bucky -5

There’s an old saying in the SCL: “When Bucky comes to town, hide your points and hide your dignity.” But this year? I’m not so sure. Uncle Bucky staggered across the finish line like a team that pre-gamed before the pre-game show, and now they limp into Almost Arena needing J.J. McCarthy — yes, that J.J. McCarthy — to hold the line against the best season the Consolation Kings have ever produced. Bucky fans can talk all they want about Week 7’s 149-point explosion, but that was Daniel Jones at the wheel, not a question mark being tossed into a playoff fire like kindling. As the Cats' GM reminded everyone, “you don’t roll with JJ McCarthy in the playoffs… fantasy gods smite for less,” and frankly, the gods have been eyeing Uncle Bucky like a chew toy ever since Lamb went questionable.

"Consolation kings advances, but it'll be a close one." - Blue Ribbon

The Consolation Kings, meanwhile, have mastered the art of scoring just enough without ever scaring anyone. They’ve hovered over the 100-point mark all season like it’s the only temperature their thermostat works on. They did it again in Week 13, dropping 103 in a game where their running backs combined for the fantasy equivalent of a limp handshake. And yet somehow, impossibly, it was more than enough to bury Bucky’s season-worst offensive faceplant. This team doesn’t win pretty... they win precisely, consistently, and infuriatingly. And with Uncle Bucky’s defense allowing nearly 20 more points per game than the Kings’, well… math is rarely kind to Uncle Bucky.

In fairness, Uncle Bucky does have a few things going for them... mainly that the visiting team won both matchups this season when these two played. Normally that’s where I’d insert a dramatic “uh-oh” for the Kings, but let’s be honest: Bucky’s Week 7 win was powered by career games from Lamb, Amon-Ra, JSN, and Diggs, all of whom combined for a volcanic 68 points out of the WR slots. Now Lamb might not even get cleared, Amon-Ra has to deal with a decent Rams secondary, and Diggs is on the bench. The aura of that 149-point eruption feels less like a warning and more like a ghost story you tell rookies to remind them that anything can happen… but usually doesn’t.

And then there’s Achane, Etienne, Olave, and Jacobs: the Kings' quartet of “either questionable or terrifying, no in-between.” Any combination of those four can blow the game open. Or implode. But Uncle Bucky doesn't get to exploit that volatility unless they can score, and this feels like the kind of week where Woody Marks limps to 7 points, Kelce gets double-teamed into submission, and McCarthy realizes the NFL game moves just a bit quicker than the Big Ten East. As Deez Nuts' GM bluntly put it: “Their win streak stops here and they take their place with the rest of the losers watching from the outside.” Brutal. Accurate.

"CK has won 6 in a row and I don't expect that streak to end this week." - Golden Tate Warriors

Uncle Bucky may have the name recognition, the swagger, and the history of domination in this matchup. But this season, the Consolation Kings are simply the steadier, healthier, and more functional organism. Uncle Bucky feels duct-taped together... one more hit, one more concussion protocol, one more rookie mistake away from collapse. The Kings feel like a well-balanced machine grinding out exactly the number of points required to get the job done.

Prediction? The Kings will clock in at their usual 102–108 range. Uncle Bucky probably won’t. Let’s just say I hope Bucky's players stretch before the game, because as the Fat Cats' coach suggests: the "King of the Cactus West is going to make your favorite uncle bend the knee."

COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings

WARRIORS: Consolation Kings	RIBBON: Consolation Kings
NUTS: Uncle Bucky	DAK: Consolation Kings
PANIC: Consolation Kings	CATS: Consolation Kings
TOTS: Uncle Bucky	CHOPS: Uncle Bucky