Dak To The Future
- Commish
- Oct 8
- 7 min read
Somewhere between a thrilling main event and a game best watched through your fingers, Week 5 managed to deliver both ends of the spectrum - plus a handful of sides no one ordered. From stunning upsets to gut-wrenching slogs, the Sagebrush Cactus League once again proved it's less about who’s good and more about who’s less catastrophically bad on any given Sunday.
Let’s start with the top - the penthouse suite of Week 5 - and that means Los Perros Locos, who delivered the kind of beatdown to Baby Got Dak that gets discussed in group therapy. 147 points. That’s not just a win, that’s a public service announcement. Kenneth Walker, Rico Dowdle, and Dak Prescott (yes, the real Dak, not the faux one playing for Baby Got Dak) all came together like the Avengers on a vengeance tour. Baby Got Dak? Let’s just say benching Justin Fields' 29 pts still wouldn't have been enough to keep this one close. Dak has now lost both to their namesake and their dignity.
On the other end of the spectrum sat the SCL Blackout Game of the Week. You knew it was going to be bad when Cerebral Ballsy was favored by 45 and you still felt like it might not be enough. But the Tallahassee Tator Tots put up 97 points and made Ballsy’s Jayden Daniels-led unit actually play. After the loss though, the Tots are happy to be getting their starting RBs back. Cerebral Ballsy, for once, didn't outscore everyone only to lose. Small victories, right?
And yet, they weren’t the only team to taste redemption. Consolation Kings edged out Fat Cats in a game so offensively bankrupt the NFL might fine them. The Cats, fresh off a 150-point Week 4 explosion, crashed back to Earth like a de-orbiting satellite, scoring 57 and looking every bit like a team that had no business on the field. George Pickens tried to carry the entire feline roster on his back, but at some point you need someone - anyone - else to chip in. Consolation Kings, meanwhile, won with a face-saving shrug and a silent prayer no one pulls the game tape.
MaxxCasualties suffered a loss this week, both on the scoreboard and in the Eliminator Challenge, where picking Buffalo turned out to be their worst decision since paying $6 for a K. They fall to 2-3, but still hang near the top of the Power Rankings, proving that scoring points is nice - but not quite as nice as, you know, winning. Kupp is still climbing back to relevance, and Patrick Mahomes is throwing passes like he's got a side bet on incompletions. Maybe Week 6 is the get-right week. Or maybe the spiral continues. Either way, Casualties better hope they don’t become casualties again.
Up in the Sagebrush East, Gotham Rogues quietly kept the pace, getting 35 points from Sam Darnold (let that sentence breathe) in a win over Do Not Panic. The Rogues are now 4-1 and have Sam “Remember Me?” Darnold to thank for it. Meanwhile, Panic did the what their name suggests and calmly trotted out the football equivalent of a flat tire. They’re 1-4 now and gasping for life in the most competitive division in the league.
Speaking of Gotham’s division, Badazz Bri is still hanging tough at 4-1, even though their TE slot was almost left blank like an unsent text message. Had the game against Golden Tate Warriors ended before Bri could find a TE, the fantasy gods might’ve descended in a lightning bolt. But they got the win, as long as you don’t look too closely. The Warriors? They scored 62, got booted from the Survivor Challenge, and currently look like they’re auditioning for the SCL Draft Lottery.
The Blue Ribbon boys finally woke up from their offensive coma, putting up 133 against MaxxCasualties and turning Matthew Stafford into a clipboard holder with his 31 points on the bench. It's the first time this season Ribbon looked like something other than a can of warm beer at a tailgate. Hurts and Barkley finally did the thing they’re paid to do, and for once, everything clicked. Maybe they’re back. Maybe not. But this was at least a proof of life.
Uncle Bucky clawed his way to 3-2 behind Travis Kelce, who now has more screen time than Taylor Swift. CJ Stroud and his 35 points watched from the bench like the rest of us, but it didn’t matter - Bucky did enough to get past Deez Nuts, who are now 0-5 and probably preparing to trademark “Deez Losses.” Nuts has a few bright spots (Murray and Samuel tried), but until they field a lineup that isn’t duct-taped together with waiver wire dreams, the wins will remain mythical.
Who Is You continues their best imitation of a fantasy football supervillain - undefeated, unbothered, and somehow making the right decisions every week. With five straight wins and a playoff projection in the 98% range, the target is firmly on their back. Everyone else is playing checkers, and You is out here solving a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded.
Over in the Cactus West, it’s a bottle rocket in a closet - tight, unpredictable, and occasionally explosive. Uncle Bucky, Fat Cats, and Consolation Kings are all knotted up at 3-2, and you get the sense none of them have any clue how they got there. The Kings have quietly racked up wins and might be one miracle away from relevance, while the Cats just need their skill guys to stop moonlighting as defensive backs. Uncle Bucky might be the safest pick, but with that roster, who knows what you’ll get.
Pork Chop Express is 2-3, stuck in the Cactus East with Who Is You and Los Perros Locos, and still managing to swing games with Derrick Henry like it’s 2019. They lost this week, sure, but they’ve been competitive, and in a division where Dak is sinking and You is flying, they just might be the turbulence no one sees coming. Wildcard?
And then there’s Baby Got Dak. Once a proud franchise, now hanging onto playoff hopes with duct tape and a prayer. The team name is starting to feel more like a cruel joke, as their best player named “Dak” plays for the other team. They’re now 2-3 with a spiraling offense and back-to-back Ls to longtime rivals. The only thing worse than losing to Los Perros Locos by 39? Realizing you had Justin Fields’ 29 points…sitting…right…there.
As for Los Perros Locos, their 147-point explosion proved they’re still dangerous, still explosive, and still very much in the mix. They’re 3-2 and firmly planted in second place in the Cactus East. Their defense is stingy, their offense is clicking, and they just earned immunity in the Survivor Challenge. Not bad for a team that looked like they were auditioning for an AARP ad just two weeks ago.
So where does that leave us heading into Week 6? With rivalries brewing, divisions tightening, and dreams dying in real time. The bottom teams are finally realizing they might have more in common with a backup punter than a playoff team, while the top teams are looking around nervously, waiting for someone to expose them. One thing is for certain: no lead is safe, no team is invincible, and if you think you’re coasting - you’re probably next.
Until next week, remember: just because you’re winning doesn’t mean you’re good, and just because you’re losing doesn’t mean you’re not a punchline.
Good luck in Week 6!
Commish
Golden Ticket
The top of the leaderboard features familiar faces - Who Is You, Fat Cats, and Cerebral Ballsy - thanks to stud WRs and RBs showing up every week. But the real headline is MaxxCasualties quietly climbing back into the mix, powered by Josh Allen and Jonathan Taylor turning it up a notch. Gotham Rogues continue to defy logic by scoring less than expected despite having Jefferson, Diggs, and Gibbs - proving even great ingredients can flop in the wrong recipe. And while Blue Ribbon and Baby Got Dak try to explain their Golden Ticket nosedives, Who Is You will enjoy the view from the top...for now.
Pigskin Pick'Em
It’s a logjam at the top as Baby Got Dak clings to the lead by a single pick, with Cerebral Ballsy hot on their heels and a whole mess of teams just a stone’s throw behind. Badazz Bri deserves a nod for their meteoric rise - up 5 spots after a strong showing. Meanwhile, Pork Chop Express hit a nasty pothole, tumbling 6 spots in a single week. Los Perros Locos and Gotham Rogues? You don’t need a rearview mirror when everyone is ahead of you.
Eliminator Challenge
And then there were three. Week 5 of the Eliminator Challenge claimed four more victims, including Los Perros Locos and Uncle Bucky who both fell into the trap that is believing in the Cardinals. MaxxCasualties and Golden Tate Warriors fared no better, opting for the Bill and Chiefs. Only Blue Ribbon, Gotham Rogues, and Who Is You remain, each one nervously checking which teams they haven’t used yet. Choose wisely, gentlemen…the margin for error is shrinking and you know I love to see a good collapse.
Survivor Challenge
The Fat Cats coughed up just 57 points and would’ve been euthanized from the Survivor Challenge if not for last week’s immunity - nine lives never felt more literal. Instead, Golden Tate Warriors forgot how to play football and were gently escorted out with their 62-point participation ribbon. Meanwhile, Los Perros Locos posted 147 points and flexed into Week 6 with immunity and swagger. Sometimes fantasy is fair, most of the time it’s just funny.
Power Rankings
The chaos continues as Los Perros Locos rocket five spots up the board while Fat Cats trip over their own tail and tumble eight places in a single week. Blue Ribbon and Uncle Bucky are quietly hanging around the playoff fringe like uninvited guests who brought decent snacks. Do Not Panic is now a full-blown lifestyle brand, and Deez Nuts have officially become a cautionary tale. Five weeks in, and half this league still looks like it’s trying to solve fantasy football with a decoder ring from a cereal box.
What If
The What If matrix is updated, and it’s still pulling no punches. This is the place where “I’ve just had a tough schedule” gets fact-checked in real time. Maybe you'd be 4-1 if you were in Badazz Bri's shoes...or maybe you’d be 2-3 no matter what cleats you’re wearing. One click could either validate your suffering or confirm you’re just not good.
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