Data Mining
- Commish
- Sep 23
- 5 min read
Were Chase McLaughlin and Steelers D/ST actually your highest scoring players this week, accounting for nearly 50% of your total score? Did sitting Michael Pittman Jr cost you the win? Did your two best players - Christian McCaffrey and Malik Nabers - really score just 17 points combined? Did Badazz Bri seriously just win a second game in a row like someone who drafts a kicker for $6 and somehow looks like a genius?
Chances are you probably clicked the link expecting to read a thorough recap of Week 3 action from around the league and find answers to burning questions like those. Well, you're not gonna get it.
Alright, fine. Here's your precious Week 3 recap, since apparently none of you can read a box score without me holding your hand. Eight teams won, eight teams lost - math you should be able to manage without a calculator. Some of your players exceeded expectations, some belly-flopped like they were auditioning for a blooper reel, and at least one guy on your bench outscored the scrub you started. Oh, and congratulations - you’re now scrambling to replace your “star” wide receiver, who limped off like your season hopes hitching a ride to IR.
Happy? Good. Moving on...
This week, I’m unveiling a little project I’ve been grinding on while the rest of you were busy mismanaging your rosters. That’s why you haven’t seen Commish Picks lately - I’ve been knee-deep in ancient league rubble, sorting and analyzing data like an archaeologist with nothing better to do. After sifting through years of neglect left by my so-called “assistants” (who couldn’t update a calendar if you spotted them January), I’ve brought our historical records back to life. You’re welcome.
TEAM HISTORY
Every week my inbox reads like a toddler's Christmas list: Commish, what's my all-time record against Baby Got Dak? Do I play better against Sagebrush or Cactus teams? What is my all-time high score? Who was my best-ever kicker?"
Since apparently none of you are capable of basic arithmetic or record-keeping, I’ve done the grunt work for you. Each team page has been updated with your precious stats so you can stop bothering me. And because none of you could be troubled to send in headshots, I had to ask the Googles what you look like - yikes.
LEAGUE HISTORY
History matters - mostly because it proves you’ve been bad at this for longer than you care to admit. I’ve dusted off the archives, sorted through the digital junkyard, and pulled together the receipts. Inside you’ll find every glorious record, humiliating collapse, and meaningless “accomplishment” that makes the Sagebrush Cactus League the trainwreck we can’t stop watching.
Below is a description of the sections you'll find on the League History page if you're brave enough to smash that red button.
TEAM RECORDS
Want to relive your finest moments of glory? Or, more likely, revisit all the times you were outscored and humiliated in the playoffs? The Team Records page has it all: playoff records, highest single-game scores (spoiler: most of them happened against Badazz Bri), and a list of teams who dominated the regular season only to choke spectacularly when it mattered. If you’re looking for bragging rights, this is the page. If you’re looking for excuses…also this page.
PLAYER RECORDS
Curious which kicker inexplicably outscored your WR1 for an entire season? Or whether your Vikings D/ST that scored 49 points even cracks the top 30? Spoiler: it doesn’t. The Player Records page separates the legends from the flukes and proves, once again, that your memory of greatness is usually just gaslighting yourself.
LEAGUE CHAMPIONS
Champions get their spotlight here, as they should. But in a moment of weakness, I also extended recognition to division winners and included Consolation Bracket history. Call it charity, call it pity - either way, it’s documented. Your shame is now preserved forever.
WHAT IF...
Ever looked at your record and thought: "Boy, if I just had Los Perros Locos' schedule, I'd be undefeated right now."? Enter the What If page where you can see exactly what your schedule would be if you played any other team's schedule instead. So far this season, it looks like Badazz Bri's schedule is a walk in the park compared Cerebral Ballsy's road to hell.
So there you have it - your Week 3 “recap” wrapped neatly between a history lesson and a reminder that most of you are historically bad. Don’t bother emailing me with your complaints about how unfair your schedule is, or how your wide receiver was “one target away” from saving your week. I’ve already built you an entire What If page to confirm that yes, even with someone else’s schedule, you’d still find a way to lose. Bookmark it, study it, cry into it - whatever helps you sleep at night. Meanwhile, I’ll be here, keeping this league alive while you trip over waiver wires and congratulate yourselves for mediocrity.
Enjoy the reading material and good luck in Week 4!
Commish
Golden Ticket
The Fat Cats continue to rule the roost with their Golden Ticket roster, outpacing second-place Consolation Kings by 68 points. But complacency kills, and Los Perros Locos (+5 spots) and MaxxCasualties (+4 spots) are starting to look like actual contenders instead of pretenders. Meanwhile, Deez Nuts and Pork Chop Express dropped 4 and 5 spots and now sit a depressing 125 points back, otherwise known as “mathematically alive, spiritually dead.”
Pigskin Pick'Em
Three weeks in, and this contest is still tighter than a pair of skinny jeans on Deez Nuts. Baby Got Dak sits on top of Pigskin Pick’em while Los Perros Locos hold down the basement - though only 8 picks separate the two, so “dominance” is a stretch. Ten teams are crammed into the top six records, which is another way of saying “nobody knows what they’re doing yet.” The Fat Cats took the steepest fall, sliding 4 spots after correctly guessing only half the slate, while Pork Chop Express rolled up 4 spots thanks to a 12-of-16 showing that probably won’t happen again.
Eliminator Challenge
The Green Bay Packers claimed 3 victims this week - Consolation Kings, Fat Cats, and Tallahassee Tator Tots. Deez Nuts were the only team that picked the Atlanta Falcons and paid a price for it. Overall, the Sagebrush teams are outperforming their Cactus counterparts by a significant margin.
Survivor Challenge
The Survivor Challenge continues its cruelty tour: Tallahassee Tator Tots got bounced on a tie-breaker against Do Not Panic, and Baby Got Dak didn’t even make it interesting - they just wandered off the island like they forgot what game they were playing. Immunity belongs to MaxxCasualties, who put up a league-best 136 points and actually looked like they knew what they were doing for once.
Power Rankings
Who Is You keeps their iron grip on the top spot, dodging Golden Tate Warriors like they were trying to sell them solar panels. MaxxCasualties somehow clawed their way up three rungs to #3 after a slugfest with Ballsy that left everyone tired. Meanwhile, Los Perros Locos dropped three spots to #7, sulking after losing a tie-breaker loss to Pork Chop Express - the fantasy equivalent of tripping over your own shoelaces because we all know they left points on their bench.
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