Do Or Die Time
- Commish
- 2 days ago
- 8 min read
The Week 7 scoreboard looked less like a fantasy football league and more like an experimental NFL lab where reality was thrown into a blender with a copy of Tecmo Bowl. It started early and ugly, as Baby Got Dak went from league-wide punchline to Pork Chop pulverizer. Dak didn't just win, they conducted a public exorcism on the Chop's playoff hopes. Christian McCaffrey was his usual cyborg self with 37 pts, Justin Herbert forgot he's been "meh" most of the season and dropped 34, and Theo Johnson (Who?) somehow showed up with a double-digit performance at tight end. Meanwhile, the Pork Chops put up a flaccid 65, making it three straight losses and a sudden plunge into Cactus East's basement. That Week 1 magic feels like it happened during a different presidency.
Speaking of plunging, Deez Nuts maintained their grip on the bottom of the standings, thanks in part to a -6 from their defense and a goose egg from Jameson Williams. Bo Nix did his part with 42, but he was essentially playing solo in a 1v9 contest. Fat Cats, for all their mid-season wobbling, got solid production across the board and extended the Nuts' misery to seven straight. It’s beginning to feel like a documentary series is in order: “Deez Losses: A Cautionary Tale.”
Over in the Sagebrush Conference, we were treated to a lovely showcase of “What Ifs” as Gotham Rogues and Badazz Bri took the field and both tried to lose more creatively than the other. This one ended 77-63 in favor of the Rogues, which is something you can technically call a win, though it felt more like two kids failing a math test and the teacher grading on a curve. Sam Darnold was forced into action and delivered his worst outing since Week 1, while Kamara and Jefferson basically took the week off. Still, it was enough, because Bri put up a 63-point dud, with only one player clearing 13 points. For a 4-2 team, Badazz Bri's squad is shakier than a folding table at a Buffalo tailgate party.
Cerebral Ballsy, who spent much of the early season trying to remember how football works, now appears to be on a roll. Week 7 saw them crush Blue Ribbon 118-89, led by Jonathan Taylor’s 31 and another solid day from Keenan Allen. The fact that Ballsy benched Pittman (14 pts) and still cruised is a testament to either depth or blind luck, but hey, you take what you get. Blue Ribbon, on the other hand, saw another productive game from Jalen Hurts, but the rest of the roster sleepwalked. They tumble into a tie for first in the Sagebrush West, clinging to the top spot like it’s a Nerf football in a hurricane.
Then there’s MaxxCasualties, casually moving into a tie with Ribbon at the top of the Sagebrush standings with a 100-73 throttling of Tallahassee Tator Tots. Mahomes got his 30, Davante Adams bounced back, and the Bears defense, yes the actual Bears defense, scored 23. The Tots saw decent showings from Swift and Bijan, but Jakobi Meyers and Jaylen Waddle put up a combined 1 point. One. It’s getting so bad at Ketchup Coliseum, even the air fryer gave up and filed a trade request.
In the Cactus Conference, Uncle Bucky announced their Game of the Week presence with authority. They dropped a season-high 149 on the Consolation Kings, who managed a respectable 108 but were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Daniel Jones didn’t screw it up, JSN, Amon-Ra, and Ceedee Lamb did their thing, and the Chiefs D/ST led the league with 35. It was a symphony of violence. Bukcy now sits atop Cactus West with the best divisional record in the conference, and the most dangerous thing about them is that they seem to know it.
Do Not Panic nearly pulled off a miracle but lost by two to Golden Tate Warriors in a clash of teams clinging to relevance. Panic got a whopping -2 from Tua, proving that sometimes it's best to just start a kicker at QB and see what happens. Rashee Rice, Zach Charbonnet, and the 49ers D/ST gave them life, but that 32 pts from Flacco on the bench could've changed their fate. The Warriors, meanwhile, got a monster 28 pts from Ja'Marr Chase, and just enough filler from the rest of the squad to sneak out with the W. It wasn’t pretty, but in a league where wins are gold, they’re not asking for style points.
And finally, the heavyweight clash between Los Perros Locos and Who Is You gave us the high-octane fireworks we hoped for. The dogs threw down 134 behind 30 pts from Dak, 27 from A.J. Brown, and 21 from Javonte Williams. It would've been enough against just about anyone else. But You went nuclear. Jahmyr Gibbs exploded for 40, Quinshon Judkins added 30, and the Patriots D/ST slapped the Titans around to the tune of 29 points. It was 148-134 by the time the dust settled, and with that, Who Is You improved to 6-1 and remained king of the hill in the Cactus East... and the league.
So where does that leave us? In the Sagebrush Conference, MaxxCasualties is lurking in 2nd place with a tiebreak over Blue Ribbon, but Cerebral Ballsy is surging and might be the hottest team in the entire league right now. The Rogues are 5-2 and currently lead the conference, but the warning lights are flashing. Gotham can’t keep winning games with 77 points. In the Cactus Conference, Who Is You is the clear No. 1, Uncle Bucky is knocking on the door, and the dogs and cats are hovering with dangerous potential. The playoff picture is slowly beginning to form, but don't be fooled by the records. We’ve seen enough collapses and comebacks in this league to fill an ESPN 30-for-30 series. As it stands now, 12 teams still have a 27% playoff chance or better. Twelve. That means almost everybody still matters. Except Deez Nuts. Deez Nuts do not matter.
Which brings us to Week 8. Every year, I hear the same things from league members around this time. "Can I still make the playoffs if I win out?" "How many wins will it take to sneak in?" "Do points really matter this year?" All good questions. But as Commish, I'm here to simplify things for you. You only need to win one game. Just one. And it's this week.
Think I’m joking? Think again. Over 20 seasons in this league, we've crowned 20 champions. Nineteen of those champions won their Week 8 matchup. Only one team in history - the 2021 Golden Tate Warriors - lost in Week 8 and still managed to lift the trophy. That’s it. That’s the list. Last year's winner? Who Is You. And yes, they won in Week 8 too. So call it coincidence, call it superstition, call it whatever you want. I call it data. If you lose in Week 8, history says the best you can hope for is a consolation ribbon.
So go win. Don’t overthink it, don’t galaxy-brain your lineup, don’t chase the waiver wire like it owes you money. Just get the win. Because if you don’t, I can promise you this: you'll be watching someone else celebrate come December while you Google search what the runner-up prize actually is.
Good luck in Week 8!
Commish
Golden Ticket
After seven weeks, the Golden Ticket race is taking shape - and Who Is You is back on top with 1,125 points and a 40-point cushion over Fat Cats. Only four other teams have cracked the 1,000-point mark, with suddenly-surging Do Not Panic giving chase. Meanwhile, the bottom half is stuck in scoring sludge: Baby Got Dak is buried at 777, Tator Tots and Badazz Bri are barely ahead, and Blue Ribbon made a small climb - but needs a whole lot more. For the nine teams trailing by 200+ points, it’s officially miracle time.
Pigskin Pick'Em
It’s a logjam at the top of the Pick’Em standings, where the difference between first and tenth place is barely enough to fill a small sedan. Baby Got Dak is technically in the lead, but the six teams just three games back are practically breathing down their neck - and probably eating chips too loudly. Uncle Bucky and Badazz Bri made big moves this week, each jumping four spots, while Blue Ribbon, Who Is You, and Fat Cats forgot how to click on the right helmets and plummeted accordingly. The bottom of the board remains unchanged, which is almost impressive, given how many bad picks it takes to stay there.
Eliminator Challenge
For the second straight week, the three remaining Eliminator contestants - Blue Ribbon, Gotham Rogues, and Who Is You - managed to stay alive, all cashing in their Chiefs pick against the Raiders like it was a Costco free sample. That makes back-to-back weeks of snoozefest survival, and while I admire their caution, it's killing the vibe. Nobody’s cracked under pressure, nobody’s picked the Panthers, and frankly, it’s getting a little stale. This contest thrives on carnage, and until one of them steps on a landmine or forgets to hit submit, we’re stuck watching a three-way standoff with all the tension of a handshake line.
Survivor Challenge
The tribe has spoken, and Pork Chop Express is officially off the island after coughing up a limp 65-point effort in Week 7. It’s a harsh reminder that Survivor is no place for bland meat. Uncle Bucky, on the other hand, flexed their way to the top with a league-best 149 points and now enjoys the luxurious Immunity hammock heading into Week 8. That leaves six teams sweating it out this week. MaxxCasualties, Gotham Rogues, Fat Cats, Los Perros Locos, and Who Is You all remain upright but know full well that one bad lineup decision could turn their torch to ash. It's getting late in the season, folks, and the jungle only gets meaner from here.
Power Rankings
Who Is You is still sitting on the throne - and if you’re wondering why, just check the 113 avg score and that nasty 144.58 power rating. MaxxCasualties is right behind, and Uncle Bucky is charging hard with a +3 rocket ride up the board after their Week 7 clinic. Cerebral Ballsy’s finally showing signs of life (up 3 spots), while the Gotham Rogues slipped three spots despite winning — a reminder that W's don’t mean much if you can’t score. Down at the bottom, the Tots and Badazz Bri both dropped like busted parachutes, and Deez Nuts… well, they’re still Deez Nuts.
What If
The What If matrix continues to expose fantasy frauds and unmask unsung victims of the schedule gods, and no one is getting more brutalized by it than Pork Chop Express. If every team had faced the Chop's slate of opponents this season, only one team - Who Is You - would come out the other side with a winning record. That’s how vicious it’s been. MaxxCasualties and the Tallahassee Tator Tots also deserve honorable mentions in the "how am I still alive?" category. On the flip side, Fat Cats and Gotham Rogues have coasted through feather-soft opposition, but the real velvet-rope treatment has gone to Badazz Bri. If the entire league were handed Bri’s cream puff schedule, we’d be looking at two 7-0 juggernauts, six 6-1 powerhouses, and only one team below .500 - Golden Tate Warriors, who apparently need more than just an easy road to find the win column.
Gotham Rogues forever!