Still Too Early
- Commish
- Sep 16
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 16
Two weeks in, and the Sagebrush Cactus League already looks like a Rorschach test: everyone sees what they want, but most of it’s nonsense. Week 1 was a fever dream - random outbursts, players scoring in ways they’ll never repeat, and owners declaring themselves geniuses for drafting the kicker who happened to nail a 55-yarder. Week 2? It didn’t exactly reveal truth, but at least it helps to separate the delusional from the merely overconfident. You can almost hear the bubble wrap popping as fragile egos start to deflate.
Some big names decided to remind us they actually belong in fantasy lineups. Amon-Ra St. Brown rose from a 4-point embarrassment to 29 points for Uncle Bucky, catching everything except the common cold. The Warriors' Ja’Marr Chase followed suit, vaulting from a pathetic 2-point showing in Week 1 to a 27-point redemption tour. Malik Nabers turned the Consolation Kings' secondary into his personal highlight reel with 34 points for Baby Got Dak, and the Tator Tots' Jared Goff casually hung 44 on Do Not Panic like it was a flag football game. Jonathan Taylor chipped in 32 points in a losing effort for Ballsy, proving he’s still capable of acting like a first-round pick when he feels like it.
Of course, balance must be maintained. Joe Burrow managed just 8 points before his big toe waved a white flag - and possibly, so did the Consolation Kings’ season. Mark Andrews put up the same fantasy line as I did this week (zero), and Pork Chop Express followed a league-best 143 in Week 1 with 38 points in Week 2. Courtland Sutton also joined the "do nothing" club, and the Broncos’ D/ST clocked in at -7 - the fantasy equivalent of taking the wrong bus and ending up in Reno. Austin Ekeler managed just 1 point for Deez Nuts, which feels about right for a franchise that drafted like it was their first time seeing football.
The Golden Tate Warriors finally looked like they belong in a league with adults, doubling their Week 1 score and posting 148 against MaxxCasualties. Lamar Jackson and Ja’Marr Chase carried them, and for one fleeting week, the Warriors looked more like contenders than the league’s punchline. MaxxCasualties, to their credit, put up a respectable 121 - but respectable doesn’t pay rent, and the Warriors kicked them out of the winner’s column anyway.
Uncle Bucky absolutely nuked Pork Chop Express, 125-38, in a mismatch so lopsided it should’ve been blacked out on local TV. The Chop’s meteoric descent from Week 1’s high-score to Week 2’s low is impressive in its own way - like watching someone set a speed record for falling down a flight of stairs.
For those wondering - no, the Chops' 38 points was not the lowest ever scored. It wasn't even close. That honor belongs to The Pink Tacos back in Week 4 of 2006 when they scored 14 points. No, you read that right. 14.
Meanwhile, Badazz Bri and Blue Ribbon gave us a game so boring it could be used as a sleep aid. Bri won 85-65 thanks to the Bills’ D/ST, which was more than enough to outlast Blue Ribbon’s Mark Andrews disappearing act and Wan’Dale Robinson rotting on the bench with 24 unused points. Sometimes it's better to let someone else make the coaching decisions.
The Rogues and Cerebral Ballsy gave us the closest tilt of the week, 125-117. The Rogues' depth carried the day, and when Tucker Kraft scores 22 points, you know the football gods are smiling at you. Ballsy had Jonathan Taylor’s 32, but still came up short which is incredible when you realize every one of their positional players outscored their projections. I'll leave it to you to decide what that suggests about their roster.
The Los Perros Locos versus Fat Cats tilt was a tale of two kennels - one barked, the other coughed up a hairball. Perros put up a steady 110 points behind Dak Prescott finally remembering he’s allowed to throw touchdowns and Kenneth Walker bulldozing his way into relevance. Add in some bite from Javonte Williams and Juwan Johnson, and suddenly the Perros looked less loco and more lethal. Meanwhile, the Fat Cats must have spent the weekend licking themselves instead of scoring; Drake Maye managed a solid 29 points, but the rest of the squad played with the ferocity of a cat batting at a crumpled receipt. Nico Collins and George Pickens teased fantasy owners with “almost good” stat lines, but the Cats' claws stayed firmly sheathed.
The defending champs, Who Is You, played down to their competition but still beat Deez Nuts 88-71 - which lands somewhere between a participation trophy and a pity clap at karaoke night.
Week 2 is the perfect time for overreactions, but let’s be real - nothing’s set in stone yet. Teams that look dead might still be breathing; teams that look invincible might already be out of gas. The smart owners stay patient, play the waiver wire, and avoid desperation trades that smell like fear. For those sitting at 2-0, enjoy the view from the top while you can. For those at 0-2, take solace in this: in fantasy football, redemption is always one weird Sunday away.
Good luck this week!
Commish
Golden Ticket
I know cats can leap, but jumping 9 spots from 10th to 1st in a single week is quite impressive. The Fat Cats take the lead away from Cerebral Ballsy on the heels of impressive play from Drake Maye and James Cook. And Badazz Bri's just gonna Badazz Bri as they saw the greatest fall, dropping 13 spots from 3rd to 16th...in a 16-team contest.
Pigskin Pick'Em
The Golden Tate Warriors maintain their grip on the top spot with MaxxCasualties and Baby Got Dak still behind by just 1 game. But now there's a kitty lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. The Fat Cats finished 1 pick shy of a perfect week, leaving them a game behind the Warriors.
Eliminator Challenge
We have our first fatalities in the Eliminator Challenge. The Pork Chops and Panic fell with the Steelers while Baby Got Dak was shown the exit after picking the Vikings to win.
Survivor Challenge
If you're gonna score 38 points and expect to remain in the Survivor Challenge, you'd better have Immunity - like Pork Chop Express. Thanks to their Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card, the Chops got to wave goodbye to Blue Ribbon and Consolation Kings.
Power Rankings
The defending champs are on top once again. Who Is You shot up to the top of the rankings with Golden Tate Warriors and Gotham Rogues taking up the 2 and 3 spots.
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