Week 8 Commish's Picks
- Commish
- 11 minutes ago
- 9 min read
We’ve officially reached the midpoint of the regular season, and with Week 8 upon us, the standings are beginning to coagulate into something resembling structure. No one’s clinched anything, but you can start to feel the tension tighten like a waistband after Thanksgiving dinner. Division leads are narrowing, Power Rankings are shuffling, and thanks to a few juicy matchups this week, we’re guaranteed some shakeups. It's a week that matters, not just because every win counts, but because — statistically speaking — this one counts more than most.
The Cactus West gets feisty as division leader Uncle Bucky heads into Gotham to face the Rogues in a battle of 5-2 teams tied for their respective division leads. Meanwhile, Fat Cats try to keep pace with Bucky as they claw their way into Tate’s Retirement Retreat for what could be a trap game against a desperate Golden Tate Warriors squad. Over in the Cactus East, Los Perros Locos and Who Is You are both looking to stake their claim as conference alpha, while Baby Got Dak and Pork Chop Express try to keep their playoff pulses from flatlining. And while the Sagebrush East has been a bit of a mess, Gotham’s performance this week could help separate contender from pretender. Don’t even get me started on the bottom feeders — half the league is 3-4 and trying to convince themselves they’re just one win away from greatness.
Of course, not every game this week will be a banger. There are a few contests that smell more like preseason than primetime, but even those still carry weight. When you’re scraping for tiebreakers in December, you’ll wish you had cashed in during that sleepy Week 8 matchup against the 2-5 team that forgot to update their kicker. Even a bad win is still a win — and this week, that might be all that matters.
Remember, Week 8 isn’t just another checkbox on the schedule. It’s the checkbox. So win this week or start shopping for a runner-up plaque.
Don't blow it this week!
Commish
Deez Nuts vs Do Not Panic
LINE: Do Not Panic -1
Every once in a while, I stumble across a matchup that makes me question everything — the league, the sport, my role as Commish, my life choices. Deez Nuts at Do Not Panic is one of those matchups. Combined, they have one win and enough heartbreak to fill a Nicholas Sparks novel. But what they lack in skill and execution, they make up for in sheer trainwreck potential. I had to make it the Game of the Week. Partly because I’m a sucker for chaos, partly because I felt bad, and mostly because I needed a break from pretending any of you knew what you were doing. So yeah — welcome to the spotlight, fellas. Try not to embarrass yourselves any more than usual.
Deez Nuts is winless, but you wouldn’t know it from Bo Nix, who’s actually been respectable at quarterback. He’s one of the only things keeping the team from being removed from the league. Jaylen Warren and Nick Chubb are technically running backs, though they’ve been more conceptual than productive. And just when I thought the Nuts might try to turn things around, I noticed they’ve got Sam LaPorta — who’s on a bye — in the starting lineup. Not benched. Not swapped. Just… there. Like a paperweight on a desk that’s never been cleaned. It’s an impressive level of neglect that makes me wonder if the Nuts are trying to get their team into the Guinness Book of Fantasy Mismanagement.
On the other side of this beige-colored matchup is Do Not Panic, whose panic level should be somewhere between “mild heart palpitations” and “full-blown existential crisis.” Joe Flacco is starting. That’s not a typo. The man hasn’t been fantasy relevant since CDs were still a thing. DK Metcalf’s hamstrings are made of tissue paper, Rashee Rice is probably the best hope here, and the 49ers defense is having a midseason identity crisis. I’m not saying this team is hopeless, but if they lose to the only winless team in the league, they might want to just rename themselves “Do Not Continue.”
And yet — despite the jokes, despite the rosters, despite the pain — I kind of love this game. There’s something about two desperate teams clawing for one sliver of dignity that makes for good theatre. It won’t be a masterpiece. In fact, it might set offensive football back a few decades. And I’ll be honest, I’m leaning Deez Nuts here. Not because they’re good (they’re not), but because this just feels like the kind of game where the football gods step in and say, “Alright, enough’s enough.” Give me Deez Nuts in an ugly, low-scoring mess of a game. It’ll be painful. It’ll be awkward. But I’ll be watching. And probably drinking.
COMMISH'S PICK: Deez Nuts
Pork Chop Express vs Cerebral Ballsy
LINE: Cerebral Ballsy -29
This week I had to double-check the schedule because I thought surely this game had already happened. Pork Chop Express versus Cerebral Ballsy? That’s gotta be a Week 4 classic or a preseason snoozer, right? Nope — these two titans of inconsistency are meeting for the first time ever, and they’re doing it in grand, awkward, slightly painful fashion. The Chops stumble in on a 3-game losing streak and looking more like a menu item at a roadside diner than a fantasy team. Meanwhile, Cerebral Ballsy is doing just enough to stay dangerous, weird, and surprisingly relevant.
Let’s start with Pork Chop Express. They feel like a team that peaked during the opening coin toss of Week 1. They scored 143 in the opener and have been in a steady nosedive since, bottoming out with 65 points last week. Baker Mayfield is questionable and coming off a rough game last week, but he’s in the starting slot anyway. Derrick Henry is averaging just 9.0 pts/game since Week 1. And then we get to the wide receivers — a veritable grab bag of maybe, meh, and who? Jordan Addison, Calvin Austin, Tez Johnson — names that sound like they were procedurally generated by a college football video game. The real gut punch here is Mike Evans landing on IR with a busted collarbone. That one hurts. But let’s not pretend this team was one player away from greatness. The Chops have the toughest strength of schedule in the league, but they’re doing their part too — giving up 114.0 points per game and scoring just 93.6. It’s not a gauntlet when you're bringing a pool noodle to the fight.
Cerebral Ballsy, on the other hand, might be the only team in league history to make an upgrade at quarterback by acquiring Carson Wentz. And yet… it kind of works? Jayden Daniels is hurt, Trevor Lawrence is on bye, and so we get this strange, nostalgia-soaked Wentz cameo that may or may not end in physical therapy. But the rest of the roster? Pretty solid. Jonathan Taylor’s back to looking like a guy you can trust which begs the question “Is Taylor the best RB ever”? Rachaad White and J.K. Dobbins provide depth, and Keenan Allen still looks like he’s running routes on cruise control. Oh, and Michael Pittman Jr. is there too — quietly producing, just like every Colts player in the post-Manning era.
So what do I expect? Projections have this game as a 29-point blowout, and honestly, that feels generous. Could Henry and Mayfield explode this week? Sure. But I expect Cerebral Ballsy to post another triple-digit game and leave the Chops wondering how they got passed by a team led by Carson Wentz. Ballsy might not win the league, but this week, they’ll definitely win a lopsided matchup. And if Dicker nails one from deep? I already know the question that’s coming.
COMMISH'S PICK: Cerebral Ballsy
Los Perros Locos vs MaxxCasualties
LINE: Los Perros Locos -9
This is one of those matchups that feels like a playoff preview — two heavyweights circling each other in The Killing Fields, hoping to land the first big punch. MaxxCasualties have been one of the league’s most consistent teams all season — and with Mahomes under center, they’re never out of it — but the absences of Kupp and Adams are troublesome. On the other side, Los Perros Locos is quietly becoming a problem again, averaging nearly 110 points a game and putting up big totals in three of their last four. Dak Prescott has found his rhythm, A.J. Brown is carrying the wide receiver corps, and even Rico Dowdle has shown up like a good boy on command. It’s strength versus stability here, and I like the hot hand. I’ll take the Perros to eek out a win by a single-digit margin, and if Casualties doesn’t watch out, the dogs might just mark their territory near the top of the standings.
COMMISH'S PICK: Los Perros Locos
Baby Got Dak vs Blue Ribbon
LINE: Blue Ribbon -15
Let’s be honest — calling this game a clash of titans is like calling a middle-school dance a “rager.” Both Baby Got Dak and Blue Ribbon look like they’re playing fantasy football with one eye closed. Ribbon’s lineup has been serviceable all season, but when you trot out a starting running back who’s literally not playing this week, it doesn’t scream “dialed in.” Meanwhile, Dak’s coming off their best performance of the year, dropping 137 last week and showing signs of life behind Justin Herbert’s arm and McCaffrey’s legs. The projections say Ribbon, but my gut says Dak — or at least the baby version of him. Give me Baby Got Dak to ride the post-blowout confidence wave and hand Ribbon another loss.
COMMISH'S PICK: Baby Got Dak
Consolation Kings vs Badazz Bri
LINE: Consolation Kings -19
Some teams just have another team’s number, and in this case, Consolation Kings have Badazz Bri’s number spray-painted on a billboard. Look at the history: the Kings have dropped 200+ on Bri not once, but twice — and now they enter this matchup coming off a 108-point week, facing a team that posted 63 and 56 points in two of their last three. Badazz Bri, to their credit, continues to pretend things are fine, trotting out a roster built like a waiver wire clearance bin. With Josh Allen the only real weapon and the rest of the squad looking like fantasy filler, this has all the makings of another Consolation Kings beatdown. My advice? Hide the Boone’s Farm and take cover — because the Kings are bringing a storm to the Drunk Tank.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
Fat Cats vs Golden Tate Warriors
LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -8
Look, I don’t know what’s been going on at Tate’s Retirement Retreat, but for a team that started the season flexing their championship pedigree, the Warriors have looked more like a group of shuffleboard amateurs than fantasy contenders lately. They haven’t topped 88 points in four straight weeks, and yet, here they are projected to beat a 5–2 Fat Cats squad that’s averaging nearly 99 a game. Still, there’s something about this matchup that smells like a rebound. Fat Cats have had the softest of landings so far this season — just ask Deez Nuts — and while they’ve clawed their way to 5 wins, the quality of those wins is starting to raise questions. Drake Maye leads the Fat Cats into battle, but if the Warriors get anything resembling a pulse from Lamar Jackson and Ja’Marr Chase, this could be the moment they remind everyone why their trophy case still sparkles. I’m not saying the Cats will choke on a hairball, but I wouldn’t count on them purring past 90.
COMMISH'S PICK: Golden Tate Warriors
Who Is You vs Tallahassee Tator Tots
LINE: Who Is You -5
This one feels like a stylistic mismatch — like a chainsaw versus a coleslaw. Who Is You is the No. 1 team in the league for a reason, and after a 148-point Week 7 eruption, they now stroll into Ketchup Coliseum to take on a Tots squad that’s still scrambling to find nine players. I’ve seen some depleted lineups in my day, but this Tallahassee Tator Tots roster looks like it was drafted in a blackout at the condiment station of a Golden Corral. That said, I know the Tots better than most, and they’ve been sneaky resilient despite a meat grinder schedule. Their average score isn’t far off the league norm, and if a few of those red Qs turn green by Sunday, this could get tighter than expected. But let’s not pretend Who Is You is bringing a butter knife to the buffet — they’re averaging 113 points per game and just held their own in a shootout with the Perros. It won’t be pretty, but I have a feeling this one ends with You sneaking out with another W.
COMMISH'S PICK: Who Is You
Uncle Bucky vs Gotham Rogues
LINE: Gotham Rogues -3
Let’s not forget that the last time Uncle Bucky and Gotham Rogues shared a field, Bucky walked away with a 52-point stomping in the Consolation Bracket. But that was then, and this is Gotham City — a place where stats get mugged and predictions vanish into alleyways. Uncle Bucky might be riding high after last week’s 149-point barnburner, but they roll into this contest short a few key names and long on hope. With Amon-Ra and JSN both on bye, Bucky is trotting out the fantasy equivalent of a cover band, hoping Diggs can play through an injury tag that's more clingy than an ex. On the other sideline, Gotham Rogues have their own issues — Watson is officially out, Kamara is questionable, and I’ve never seen so many WRs with WR3 energy. But don’t be fooled: the Rogues’ defense has been stingy all season, and if Jefferson and Kamara pop, they’ll be tough to catch. It’ll be close, possibly ugly, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Rogues gets their revenge and Bucky walks off the field wondering how this turned into a thriller.
COMMISH'S PICK: Gotham Rogues
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