Week 9 Commish's Picks

Commish
Oct 30
8 min read

Welcome to Week 9 in the Sagebrush Cactus League, where the playoff picture is beginning to take shape and half the league still doesn’t seem to understand how flex spots work. With six teams deadlocked at 4–4, this week offers a buffet of midseason matchups that could tip the scales toward postseason glory or cement a place in the annual Loser’s Lounge, where regret is the appetizer and draft picks are the consolation dessert.

The Game of the Week takes us to Six-Pack Park, where the Golden Tate Warriors look to extend their all-time edge over Blue Ribbon. One team is missing its best players due to byes and injuries. The other is Golden Tate. Meanwhile, in what I've generously labeled the Blackout Game of the Week, Tallahassee Tator Tots and Gotham Rogues will try to play football while nursing more questionable tags than a flea market knockoff booth.

But the real chaos brews in the cluster of 4–4 teams clogging up the standings like a hairball in a dorm shower. Los Perros Locos and Consolation Kings square off in a battle of “Which version of this team will show up?” while Cerebral Ballsy looks to extend its win streak to five against a Do Not Panic squad that appears to have already done just that. And don’t sleep on Uncle Bucky vs Who Is You, a matchup between two top-three teams that could have playoff seeding implications... assuming either of them can stop overthinking their kicker slot.

Week 9 is the final checkpoint before the playoff push hits full throttle. Teams that stumble here may find themselves on the outside looking in while others will try to convince us that beating Deez Nuts counts as momentum.

Best of luck this week!

Commish

Golden Tate Warriors vs Blue Ribbon

LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -15

There’s a reason this matchup got tagged as the Game of the Week and it’s not because either of these teams has been setting the scoreboard on fire. No, this game earns its headline spot for one reason only: the mystery of whether Golden Tate Warriors can finally look like a team that hasn’t been assembled on a dare. At 3-5, the Warriors are technically still in the hunt. Emotionally? They’ve been pacing around the backyard like a dog who forgot why they went outside in the first place.

But this week… something smells different. Maybe it’s Lamar Jackson returning to the lineup and projected for 27, or maybe it’s Ja’Marr Chase looking to torch a Bears defense that plays like it’s doing performance art about disinterest. Even Jauan Jennings feels like the kind of dart throw that could hit the bullseye... or at least not wound the person throwing it. With a top-3 strength of schedule and a better-than-expected 3-2 road record, the Warriors might not be as far gone as their 3-5 record implies.

Blue Ribbon, meanwhile, arrives with more wins, a friendlier schedule, and the moral support of a franchise that almost feels stable. But without Jalen Hurts or Saquon Barkley, Ribbon’s ceiling feels low and its floor… well, we’ve seen that floor before, and it’s not OSHA-approved. The good news for Blue Ribbon? They’ve outscored the Warriors in 6 of the 8 weeks this season and are finally starting to look like a team that knows what it’s doing. The bad news? They’re rolling out Jordan Mason, Ladd McConkey (Q), and Wan’Dale “Maybe 8 points” Robinson in a game that’s supposed to define them. And no matter how favorable the math may be, those names don't exactly send defensive coordinators — or anyone else — into a cold sweat.

This might not be a pretty win. In fact, it might be the Game of the Week in the same way a gas station sandwich is technically "food." But when the dust settles, don’t be surprised if the Warriors walk out of Six-Pack Park with their dignity intact and Blue Ribbon wondering if they got stiffed by the bye week bartender.

COMMISH'S PICK: Golden Tate Warriors

Gotham Rogues vs Tallahassee Tator Tots

LINE: Gotham Rogues -15

It’s the third-ever matchup between Gotham Rogues and Tallahassee Tator Tots, and the series is currently tied 1-1. Which is surprising, because if you watched this week’s game preview for more than 15 seconds, you’d assume the league had just scheduled an exhibition between a playoff hopeful and a local rec team. The Tots are running with a starting desperate play at quarterback, two questionable wide receivers, and a flex situation so bleak it might be under investigation by the league’s ethics committee.

Meanwhile, the Gotham Rogues have quietly put together a very respectable 6-2 record and sit atop the Sagebrush East. They’re undefeated on the road this year and coming off their season-best performance — a 149-point dismantling of Uncle Bucky. They’re like a team that knows what it’s doing, unfamiliar territory in this matchup. With Jordan Love finally delivering more than heartbreak and a receiver room stacked with healthy bodies (well, semi-healthy — this is fantasy after all), the Rogues look primed to keep the good times rolling. Their average margin of victory is over 14 points per game. Their opponent this week is averaging 91 points and just hoping everyone arrives with matching socks.

The Tator Tots’ strength of schedule is no joke (ranked 3rd), but no one’s giving out trophies for “most traumatic season.” They’re allowing nearly 107 points per game and haven’t beaten a team with a winning record since… well, ever. Let’s be clear: the Tator Tots didn’t just draw the short straw in the injury lottery — they built their entire depth chart out of paper straws. Justin Fields is on bye so they called up Geno Smith as the starting QB, D’Andre Swift is questionable, Mooney is questionable, and the rest of the roster reads like a group chat from a 2022 waiver wire thread. If this team manages to score 70 points, it’ll be considered a moral victory. When your most stable position is kicker — and even he’s questionable — let's just say the scoreboard operator isn't the only one asleep at the switch.

It’s been a rough season at Ketchup Coliseum, and it’s not getting any easier. The Rogues may not be the flashiest team in the league, but compared to the Tots, they’re a Broadway production with pyrotechnics. Expect this one to be over before halftime. Lock it in and don't look back.

COMMISH'S PICK: Gotham Rogues

Who Is You vs Uncle Bucky

LINE: Uncle Bucky -7

At 7-1, Who Is You looks every bit the part of a team marching toward the playoffs… until you scroll past their Week 9 roster and see the Bye Week Plague has hit them like a sack of rotten oranges. Meanwhile, Uncle Bucky has quietly become one of the league’s most complete teams — they're undefeated at home, ranked #3 in the Power Rankings, and still steaming after scoring 137 last week in a losing effort. These are the top two scoring teams in the league, but only one of them is trotting out a full lineup with a functioning bench. I'm leaning toward the home team and liking the cut of their axe.

COMMISH'S PICK: Uncle Bucky

Baby Got Dak vs Fat Cats

LINE: Fat Cats -4

After dropping 151 points last week, Fat Cats strutted around like they owned the alley, but let’s not forget, that came against a Golden Tate Warriors team that’s been more purr than roar lately. This week, the Cats host Baby Got Dak, a team whose point totals have been about as consistent as a toddler’s sleep schedule. Dak’s got the QB edge, the RB edge, and the TE edge, which feels weird to say out loud. And while the Cats boast the easier schedule, they’ve also got a banged-up WR1 and a projected total that barely beats a team starting a defense on a bye. This one’s got sneak-attack written all over it and hey, if you're going to pull an upset, you might as well do it in a stadium called The Litter Box.

COMMISH'S PICK: Baby Got Dak

Badazz Bri vs MaxxCasualties

LINE: MaxxCasualties -20

The last time these two met, MaxxCasualties turned Badazz Bri into a chalk outline in the Sagebrush Conference Championship, winning by 78 points and advancing to the SCL title game. Fast forward to this week, and not much has changed. MaxxCasualties’ offense still looks like a spreadsheet of destruction, while Bri’s stat lines resemble the fantasy equivalent of a three-day power outage. Everything here points toward another massacre: the Casualties are the second-ranked team in the Power Rankings, averaging nearly 110 points per game, and they haven't dipped below 96 all year. Badazz Bri, on the other hand, has topped 90 pts exactly once and is somehow still 5-3 thanks to opponents scoring fewer points than a team of mannequins. They've been a model of confusion, averaging a measly 79 points and they're coming off a 47-point “win.” Yes, a win. But here’s the thing about Badazz Bri — they’re like a slow leak in a luxury car. You don’t notice it at first, but before you know it, the whole thing’s sitting on cinder blocks. Something tells me Badazz Bri’s about to steal another one they don’t deserve. I can’t explain it — I can only warn you.

COMMISH'S PICK: Badazz Bri

Los Perros Locos vs Consolation Kings

LINE: Los Perros Locos -3

The Los Perros Locos have been barking up the right tree lately, and despite an ugly Week 8 showing, they’ve managed to average nearly 107 points per game against 6th toughest strength of schedule. The Kings, meanwhile, are still recovering from their Week 8 masterpiece — a 36-point faceplant that somehow still counted as football. Despite sharing a 4-4 record, these squads feel worlds apart in consistency, scoring, and general fantasy self-respect. The Kings are 1-3 at Almost Arena this season and the Perros are 1-4 on the road, but their head-to-head history tilts in dog's favor, 7 wins to 5, with the Perros projected to put up just enough points to keep that narrative going. But when the smoke clears, LPL’s upside and offensive ceiling give them just enough bite to outpace the Kings' “hope and pray” approach. This one’s headed to the wire — and when it comes to close games, it’s better to bet on the dog.

COMMISH'S PICK: Los Perros Locos

Do Not Panic vs Cerebral Ballsy

LINE: Cerebral Ballsy -16

Do Not Panic enters this game with a name that increasingly feels more like medical advice than team strategy. They’ve lost six of eight, haven’t won on the road all season, they've scored less than 90 pts in five of eight games, and are fresh off nearly giving Deez Nuts their first win of the year. Their only road stat worth mentioning is the gas they're burning to get to Congenital Coliseum. Meanwhile, Cerebral Ballsy has quietly racked up four straight wins and they just hung 131 on the Pork Chops last week, their highest total off the season, and they're averaging 107 pts/game. Statistically, spiritually, and stylistically, Ballsy looks ready to lobotomize their opponent. The math, the momentum, and the matchup all point in one direction: Ballsy keeps climbing, and Panic keeps not-panicking. You don’t need an MRI to see how this one ends.

COMMISH'S PICK: Cerebral Ballsy

Pork Chop Express vs Deez Nuts

LINE: Pork Chop Express -16

It’s hard to sugarcoat a matchup like this, but let’s try: at least one of these teams is guaranteed to score more than 47 points. Probably. Pork Chop Express has been bludgeoned by the league’s toughest schedule like a rack of ribs on a gravel road, but at least they’ve shown signs of life — unlike Deez Nuts, who are 0-8, haven’t cracked 70 in two weeks, and seem more committed to preserving their winless streak than to breaking it. Last year, Deez Nuts pulled off a gritty win over the Chops. This year? They may pull off the impossible: scoring fewer points than their kicker’s jersey number. Pork Chop Express, for all their problems, at least has starters who average double digits — and in fantasy football, that still counts for something. No need to overthink it. By the time the smoke clears, The Nut Hut will be full of silence, shame, and maybe a sign that reads “Now Hiring: Competence.” Take Pork Chop Express to get back on the right track again.

COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express