Week 2 Commish's Picks
One week of football has already done considerable damage to the optimism created on Draft Night. Some teams confirmed what they thought they knew. Others discovered that projections are merely numbers ESPN provides so disappointment can be measured more precisely. Now comes Week 2, when 1–0 teams begin deciding whether they're actually good and 0–1 teams begin explaining why they're definitely not bad.
This week brings a championship rematch at What Are I Field, an undefeated newcomer making its first trip to Gotham, a family feud at Tate's Retirement Retreat, and the return of the Blackout Game of the Week for those who believe not every contest deserves witnesses. We also have a #1 team facing an opponent selected to beat them for reasons supported primarily by the scientific principle of having a cool name.
Week 1 gave us evidence. Week 2 gives owners an opportunity to prove it was misleading. Below are my picks. Please try not to make me regret the amount of thought I've put into your decisions.
– Commish
Consolation Kings vs Who Is You
LINE: Consolation Kings -10
The Game of the Week takes us to What Are I Field for a rematch of last season’s SCL Championship Game. Consolation Kings embarrassed You 133–88 for the title, which was merely the latest chapter in a rivalry that dates back to 2014. The Kings have won the last three regular-season meetings as well, and Who Is You hasn’t beaten the Kings outside the playoffs since Week 9 of 2022. At some point, “recent history” becomes simply “history.”
Both teams arrive 1–0, but they took very different routes. Who Is You handled the assignment it was given last week, while the Kings opened their title defense by dropping 137 points behind Caleb Williams, Bijan Robinson and the Steelers defense. The Kings are projected for another 105 this week and hold advantages across most of the lineup, although You can counter with Jaxson Dart and Jahmyr Gibbs, who combined for 66 last week. If Who Is You wants to change the direction of this rivalry, those two seem like an excellent place to begin.
Of course, the Kings' championship defense technically began months ago and already includes one failure. The Champion’s Code requires the reigning champion to submit the traditional photograph with the trophies. Every previous champion managed this difficult ceremonial obligation. Consolation Kings did not. I suppose after defeating Who Is You by 45 points, locating a camera proved to be the real challenge.
Unfortunately for You, administrative disappointment does not affect the scoreboard. I’m taking Consolation Kings—if Who Is You wants revenge for last year’s championship, it will have to pry it from the same hands that still haven’t sent me the damn trophy picture.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
Deez Nuts vs Baby Got Dak
LINE: Baby Got Dak -4
The Blackout Game of the Week travels to Faux Dak Field, where Deez Nuts and Baby Got Dak will attempt to prove that technically, yes, every SCL game must be played. Deez Nuts are 2–0 in the all-time series, although last year's 94–93 thriller suggests “thriller” has become a dangerously flexible term. The projections aren't expecting much more this time, with Dak holding a modest 4-point advantage.
There are at least a few reasons for optimism. Ashton Jeanty was one of the few bright spots for Deez Nuts last week, while Baby Got Dak comes in 1–0 with Christian McCaffrey, DJ Moore and Justin Herbert providing enough respectable names to create the appearance of a functioning fantasy roster. The Nuts counter with Bo Nix, Malik Nabers and an injured kicker carefully preserved on the bench. Eddy Pineiro is questionable, but apparently too valuable to expose to the free-agent market. I assume Canton has already requested his cleats.
Deez Nuts has beaten Dak twice in two tries, but I think that streak ends here. Neither lineup inspires enough confidence for me to predict fireworks, unless the scoreboard itself develops an electrical problem. I’m leaning Baby Got Dak in a low-scoring affair. But fortunately, this is the Blackout Game of the Week, so you have my permission to never find out how I reached that conclusion.
COMMISH'S PICK: Baby Got Dak
Cerebral Ballsy vs Golden Tate Warriors
LINE: Cerebral Ballsy -11
Ballsy has only played the Warriors twice, but apparently neither team believes in subtlety—the two meetings have been decided by 34 and 94 points. This time, Cerebral Ballsy arrives at Tate’s Retirement Retreat healthy, ranked #5 in the Power Rankings and carrying an 11-point projected advantage behind Jordan Love and Jonathan Taylor. The Warriors, meanwhile, are already testing the structural integrity of their roster: Joe Burrow and George Kittle are questionable, while A.J. Brown and Jordan Mason have taken up longer-term residence on IR. And this news comes on the heels of a 69-point Week 1 performance. There’s enough family tension here without the injury report making the next picnic awkward, but I don’t expect the younger generation to show much respect for their elders. I’m taking Ballsy and giving the points—consider it an early discussion about inheritance.
COMMISH'S PICK: Cerebral Ballsy
MaxxCasualties vs Do Not Panic
LINE: MaxxCasualties -2
Last year, MaxxCasualties and Do Not Panic somehow tied to finish the final week of the regular season, forcing the quarterback tiebreaker to determine which team had been slightly less unsuccessful. They may be preparing an encore. Casualties are projected to score 89, 87 for DNP, and after opening the season with 69 and 37 points respectively, neither has provided compelling evidence that triple digits need to concern themselves. Panic does get Trevor Lawrence back into the starting lineup after his 31-point Week 1 performance was thoughtfully stored on the bench, while MaxxCasualties counters with Patrick Mahomes and a healthy roster. Even an outside observer asked to assess this matchup declined to choose a winner, calling it a “toss-up.” That is understandable, but courage requires difficult decisions. I’ll take Casualties by the narrowest of margins. Someone has to win and, unlike some people, I’m willing to name one.
COMMISH'S PICK: MaxxCasualties
Uncle Bucky vs Pork Chop Express
LINE: Pork Chop Express -8
Three years of Bucky's-Chop's meetings have produced a two-point game, a 45-point Chops win and, most recently, an 87-point Bucky's demolition, so history offers little beyond a warning against expectations. Pork Chop Express enters the rematch at #4 in the Power Rankings with Derrick Henry coming off a monster Week 1 and, more importantly, a newly liberated front office that celebrated the revised waiver system by making five acquisitions in the first week. Uncle Bucky is healthy and has enough firepower with Jayden Daniels and Amon-Ra St. Brown to make this interesting, but the Chops have the stronger lineup on paper and an eight-point projected edge at Little China. I removed the leash from the waiver system and the Chops immediately started sprinting through the neighborhood. I suspect they picked up more than spare parts, so they get my lean at home.
COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express
Fat Cats vs Los Perros Locos
LINE: Los Perros Locos -3
This is the sort of matchup where the numbers are almost suspiciously unhelpful. The Perros sit atop the Power Rankings, own a 4–2 overall series advantage and just hung 145 points on Badazz Bri, yet the Cats come to The Puppy Mill after scoring 117 in a loss and are projected within three points despite carrying a few questionable tags. History isn't much help either: when these teams win, they tend to win big—Los Perros Locos by an average of 24.8 points and Fat Cats by 32.5—suggesting their idea of a close relationship is occasionally acknowledging the other exists. Normally I would trust the #1 team at home, but the Cats front office spends an unreasonable amount of time researching fantasy football, and eventually that sort of behavior should be rewarded. More importantly, they have a cool name, and sophisticated analysis requires knowing when the data has reached its limits. I'm leaning Fat Cats—sometimes you just have to trust the science.
COMMISH'S PICK: Fat Cats
Tortuga vs Gotham Rogues
LINE: Gotham Rogues -4
Tortuga’s introduction to the SCL went considerably better than most expansion projects, opening with 121 points and a win that moved them to #7 in the Power Rankings. Now comes their first trip to Gotham City, where the Rogues are 0–1 despite scoring 109 last week and enter as a slight favorite behind Justin Jefferson, Puka Nacua and Omarion Hampton. The Rogues also wasted little time returning to their natural habitat after Week 1—working the waiver wire and presumably preparing trade proposals for anyone careless enough to answer the phone. Tortuga is healthy and already demonstrated they can win even when Ja’Marr Chase contributes essentially nothing, so I don’t expect the newcomer to be intimidated by the home crowd. Still, I think the Rogues have enough here to avoid an 0–2 start. I’m leaning toward the Rogues, although I fully expect three trade offers involving players from this game before the final whistle.
COMMISH'S PICK: Gotham Rogues
Tallahassee Tator Tots vs Badazz Bri
LINE: Tallahassee Tator Tots -11
Badazz Bri has never lost to Tallahassee Tator Tots, although both previous meetings came in the final week of the regular season when everyone had already developed the appropriate amount of emotional damage. This time they meet in Week 2, with the Tots coming off a 120-point performance and carrying an 11-point projected advantage into Boone’s Farm Drunk Tank. Bri scored a perfectly respectable 110 last week and discovered that respectability is not a recognized scoring category in fantasy football.
The projections favor the Tots, but Bri still has Josh Allen—the same Josh Allen who dropped 40 last week—and Kyle Monangai showed enough in Week 1 to make that questionable tag worth monitoring. The Tots certainly have the deeper-looking lineup, but history says they have yet to figure out the recipe for this particular opponent. Bartender, give me Badazz Bri! Two shots of Boone’s Farm have worked before, and I see no reason to stop drinking now.
COMMISH'S PICK: Badazz Bri
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